Everyone knows Sonia!

Saturday my plan was to sleep as late as possible so I’d be good for dancing. When I just couldn’t possibly make myself sleep any longer, I crawled over to the clock dreading that it would be before 10:00. Hooray, it was after 2:00! I spent the entire day then, picking at my face in the mirror. Yes, true. See, my laser treatment was a week ago, it was time for hairs to come out. Now, the laser person says they should fall out in just a couple of days with gentle exfoliation. The trouble with that is, I shave, so there’s hardly anything poking above the skin, and exfoliating with a washcloth does nothing. Now, before I had gotten the hairs to come out by pinching them like they were pimples. That worked, but was really hard on my face. I knew I was damaging my skin and afraid that the healing process would promote hair regrowth. So this time, I sat at the mirror with tweezers and pulled them out one at a time. I know, I know, instructions say specifically not to pluck hairs, but this isn’t exactly plucking. Like, when I grab one with the tweezers, it just slides out with no resistance. There’s no root attached to the hair, pulling the hair doesn’t pull the skin, there’s no pain, and so on. That can’t be bad, can it? Well it can’t be worse than pinching anyway.

Flash’s was good for me the previous night so I went there again. This time dressed at Flash’s (in between drinks) and then went to Rise when Flash’s closed. I had a really nice time at Rise. It was good to be back. One guy said hi to me (I’ve already forgotten his name, but I should know, he’s a regular there, and he told me his name.) I told him I was Sonia, and he said, “I know. Everyone knows Sonia!” He was fun to dance with but a bit intimidating because he’s a naturally good dancer, and here I’m still a clumsy beginner. Another guy said hi to me, I told him I was Sonia, and he said “I know, I used to serve you drinks at Diva.” It was Jason! He had told me that he dances at rise, but I’d never run into him before. Fun! He was there with his little brother who had just turned 21. And…he didn’t seem to be that much of a dancer. Maybe he just wasn’t feeling it that night for some reason. Anyway, had fun all night. Craig Mitchell was awesome.

Mr. right now

Wednesday I slept six hours, woke up kind of slowly, then finally dressed in a hurry and ran out the door, hoping to catch the laser place still open. It was, whew. I made a new appointment, without even checking when my last one was. I know it was some time ago, and the hairs are really starting to fill in now, especially on my upper lip. Just in the last week or so, there’s been a beard shadow that remains even after shaving. Walking on down the street, I went to Diva for a breakfast of dosas and cocktails. That was good but I was worried it wouldn’t be enough, so I crossed the street to have a salad and coffee at Diesel This was perfect. But, by now it was like 10:00 and I had plans to go back to Jacque’s. See, Deanna had told me that Wednesdays are much better than Tuesdays and had promised me more men. Whew, she turned out to be right.

In Jacque’s about 10:30, the place was just starting to fill up, and the show hadn’t started yet. Deanna was there. I smiled at her and sat at the bar. Before long she came to talk to me, which was really nice, I thought. We’d chatted for just a little bit when I saw…Amy(!) walk in. She looked like she might have come with another girl, but she told me later she was alone. She hadn’t spotted me when she walked right behind me, and I said over my shoulder, “Amy.” She did the double take and was happy to discover it was me. Now she sat with me, Deanna drifted away, and Amy and I talked about picking up men, just like Deanna and I had talked the night before. What fun.

So…….the time had come for Sonia. Trina had talked to me about men. Deanna had, Amy had, and, heck…I’d picked up men before, but that all predated Sonia. I’d looked around the room and had had my eye on my top choice. He’d been here and there around the bar, and for a long time had stood just on the other side of Amy from me. Now he was gone. “Where did my man go?” I asked Amy, giggling that he was the one I wanted. I twisted around to look for him, and there he was standing immediately behind me! Eek! Whether he heard me or not, minutes later he introduced himself. Ah, yes, he wanted me.

He ended up getting us a room at a hotel. Both of us were interested in working quickly. I pleased my man, and then he was snoring before I could come back from the bathroom. I watched the clock patiently for 10 minutes to make sure he would stay asleep, dressed and slipped back out into the night.

Cab back to Harvard Square, about 1:30, lunch at CVS, up the street to put in a few hours at the office. (Yes, I processed asteroid data for a few hours.)

On the way home in the morning, I thought I’d go by the dry cleaner’s and check their hours to see when I could come back to drop off my coat. Silly me, dry cleaners open early. What to do then? I could save a trip by dropping it off then and walking home without a coat. It’s only a few blocks. I surely wouldn’t die. I told the woman that I was leaving my coat, she glanced around me and saw that I didn’t have another one with me and her eyes got wide. “I don’t have far to go” I explained. I slipped off my coat and underneath was my sleeveless top. Now, walking out into the freezing winter air might have been shocking enough, but she forgot all about that at the sight of my arms. “Oh, you have big muscles!” she said in her Asian accent. “You very strong!” I smiled, took my claim check, and hurried home.

The icy sidewalks were full of people on their way to work. Not one of them gave a second look to the woman with bare arms. There’s the morning work crowd for ya.

Back in the heated house, I know I should have kept my mouth shut, but I couldn’t resist telling Al of my adventures. He really didn’t need to hear that. I’m so bad.

Popularity

Friday, February 16: I worked right up to the end of the day, came home and checked instant messages. Eva was online and offered to pick me up at the Wakefield train station. That was great, except that I had no time to dress, just barely enough time to throw stuff in a bag and run out the door. So, I did that, and, not wanting to drag along two coats, just put on my black women’s coat over the clothes I wore to work and ran out the door. So, look what I’ve come to. The clothes I wore to work are women’s jeans, women’s sneakers, and, ok so my shirt is a men’s shirt, but it’s a relatively tight fitting pullover and it’s under the women’s coat. Plucked eyebrows, clean face, red fingernails, bald head, flat chest. WTF. But you know, I hardly got any strange looks out in public. In fact, on the subway, right across from me a guy plopped down wearing a magnificent women’s fur coat. You gotta love Cambridge.

At the hotel I dressed in Eva’s room while she chatted with Donna. I, um, kind of took my time doing it, and by the time I was done they were frustrated with me and anxious to get downstairs. Downstairs finally, Eva bought me a drink, still being so nice to me. Danielle, Ashley, and I were having sort of a summit meeting when we heard that Amberlyn was out in the parking lot and wanted company to walk into the hotel for the first time. This was too much fun. We all went, I deliberately left my coat behind so that there would be some urgency in getting back inside and thus it would be unreasonable for her to stall for time outside. Of course it all worked. I think she was half embarrassed to see us all wandering the parking lot looking for her, and she surrendered immediately and came in with us.

A group of us bailed from the hotel relatively early to try to get into Toast before the lines were too long. No such luck. Toast is just too popular on Fridays. We stood in line until Danielle and Dina came and shook us to our senses. Walking back to the car, we passed Kathleen on the street. She and I recognized each other and said hi. Now this is Kathleen that I know from Diva Lounge. It’s fun to be recognized as Sonia on the street! Second choice after Toast was good old Club Cafe. No line, no cover, music, drinks, fun people, what’s not to love? Connected to Club Cafe by a hallway is another bar I didn’t even know existed, called Laurel. Dina wanted to go there because the atmosphere is quieter and conversation is easier. Danielle protested that the place is always dead and no fun. She lost, we went into Laurel. The place was full of people and looked lively and interesting. “Now see?…” I started to say to Danielle. “Exactly what I said, hm? The place is dead!” she finished my sentence. Funny how she and I saw the same bar two different ways! I decided that, to her, atmosphere comes from the background music and noise. Laurel had no music playing. It didn’t bother me, but…I’ve never been a music person. It worries me. It could mean that I’m not a girl and that Danielle is. Anyway, we all hung out in there for one drink, then moved to her choice, the regular bar area of Club Cafe. There, I immediately ran into David, who recognized me and wanted a picture with me. So…I was kind of still showing off my popularity to the the other girls. More socializing and two more drinks at Club Cafe, and then I was off to Rise…with Amberlyn in tow! It was so cool to be taking a friend to Rise, especially one that was young and cute and dressed for fun. Of course in Rise, I had to greet yet more friends, still showing off my popularity. Well, that’s what it felt like anyway. Amber was in heels and so really wasn’t prepared to dance for long. Also she wasn’t prepared to stay up quite all night. She was a trooper though. She danced as much as she could, I sat with her and we rested some. We left around 4:30 and she gave me a ride home. It was a very cool Friday.

Party tonight!

Well, that’s the plan anyway. Truth is, I’m depressed as hell at the moment. My life is all problems. Big problems and little problems. I thought I was ready for the party tonight but…I’m not. I have $13 in my purse and an hour to get ready before Wendy picks me up. Hope I can find some way to put on a happy face for the night and forget about my problems until tomorrow.

Also I hate posting crappy entries like this. I feel like whining to someone, but I hate doing that to my friends, so I’ll just make this quick journal entry here. I think it’s best to send stuff like this to the bit bucket. Anyway, I have a bunch of stuff covering the last two weeks written up, I just haven’t posted it yet. Soon, maybe tomorrow.

[Following text added later]

Once again, I have a week and half to catch up on here, starting back on Monday, January 22.

[and then most text here removed and put in separate entries.]

Bleh. Cryptic notes for two more days. Other days undocumented.

Monday: uno,frances,diva

Tuesday: trumpet,natick, uno

Below, group photo from Sisters of Boston on Friday.

Right, me on Friday.

Below, the party Saturday was at RCC. Seems I had a good time on $13.

Who’s Charlie?

Tuesday, January 23, I went and got my nails done as if I were going Natick, but then ended up not going. The weather had turned bitter cold, I didn’t have a ride lined up, and didn’t feel like walking in the cold. An excellent alternative was watching L word at Diva. The show ended, everyone was leaving, I wanted to drink more, so I went to Charlie’s Kitchen. While I was there, I got a text from Alex and started trading messages with him. “What are you doing?” “Getting drunk in Charlie’s Kitchen” “Who’s Charlie?” I asked the bartender, heard the history of the place, and started to text back to Alex. Before I could finish, he had sent two messages, then my phone rang! Jealous! Of course it was easy to calm him down once he understood that “Charlie’s Kitchen” was a public bar. It was good to talk to him, good to hear that he is back in town, but we made no promises to see each other or anything.

Also that evening, I learned about about the medical adhesive I’d bought some time back. Almost all of my clothes were dirty, and I was down to the convertible bras, which don’t have a lot of coverage. Concerned about the breast forms toppling out of the little cups, I decided to try the adhesive again. Now, when I had tried it before, my goal was keeping the breast forms in place while dancing. I found that sweat dissolves the glue and and makes just a big slimy mess, so I hadn’t used this stuff since. Tonight, with cool weather, no dancing, and anyway, I seem to sweat much these days anyway, the adhesive adhered. It was a new physical experience, and a really nice one! With the weight of the breast forms hanging on my skin, they really felt part of me. The bra really felt like it was holding *me* up, rather than holding breast forms against me. Fun stuff, I loved it.

Dinner dressed

Monday, January 22. I met Sheila after work and we had dinner at Uno. Normally after work, I wouldn’t be dressed, but I since dinner with a friend isn’t quite like quick shopping on the way home, I took clothes with me, dressed in the unisex bathroom at the end of the day and went to meet Sheila dressed. She was waiting in Harvard Station, I saw her from across the lobby and started walking toward her. She looked at me, and looked away. I stopped right in front of her, and she looked startled that someone would approach her, then finally she recognized me. We shared a pizza and caught up on stuff, she went home, I went to Diva before going home. Hmm…sometime that day, I ran into Dennis waiting at a bus stop. It was good to see him and know that he was doing ok.

First First Event!

Too busy to write. Too lame of an excuse! I have to pick up, Friday before last? Too much to remember! The first meeting of Sisters of Boston was a huge success. 28 people showed up, everything was picture perfect, I accepted my nomination as group moderator, we went to Flash’s again afterwards, then hm…I think I came home because I was out of money.

Saturday, dunno, except I danced to Craig Mitchell at Rise. Didn’t follow through on my idea to practice dance steps, but I remember paying a lot of attention to others and watching myself in the mirror a lot. Was pleased with my progress in feminine posture and movement. Sunday, danced to Craig again at Church, then went to Rise for night three of the MLK trifecta. At church, I ended up drinking quite a bit again and getting rather silly, at one point dancing on the stage with a big cluster of balloons, twirling them all around me.

Monday, MLK day, went to Diva lounge. Tuesday, skipped Natick because it was bitter cold and I didn’t have a ride lined up and didn’t want to walk in the cold. Went to Uno Pizza in Harvard Square instead. Drank, Jessica joined me, drank more, slept with Jessica.

Wednesday was the first night of First Event, and the pool party. I wore my green tankini and had a great time. Especially liked meeting Jacquelin, a cute little post-op. Took advantage of one of the free massages. Planned to ride the bus home with Jessica and Stacy, but we had made a bad assumption about the bus route, and missed it by waiting at the wrong stop. Jessica and Stacy called a cab, I went to the hotel bar to drink. I bet Stacy was pissed at me for not sharing the cost of the cab, but, I was selfish. I put off the immediate pain of the cab for for the immediate pleasure of drinking. My memory is a little fuzzy then, but I think Danielle gave me a ride home and I went to bed and slept. That’s Danielle at right. Sadly, I have no picture of Jacquelin.

Thursday, took the bus to the hotel again. The morning was wasted getting up late, suffering a train delay, and then waiting forever for the inefficient registration desk at First Event. I went to two workshops in the afternoon. “Healing the traumatized heart” was sort of touchy feely and not really my thing, but it was the only workshop at 1pm. I joked with the presenter before it started that my short experience dressing had been all positive and that I wasn’t sure my heart had suffered any trauma. The best I could come up with when it was my turn to share was that I wished someone would have suggested to me that I might be trans about 30 years ago. I tossed it out lightly, but who knows, there could be something deep there somewhere. “Out or stealth after transition, pros and cons of each route” was kind of bizarre. Turns out the presenter, while full time TS, had never lived stealth, and that worse, she she often seemed to be using the term “stealth” as a synonym for “closeted.” I guess workshops on the first day are like that. The schedulers know that most people won’t take that day off work and so the workshops will be poorly attended, so the schedule the weakest or newest presenters on that day. Newest would include Ashley, who had her workshop scheduled opposite the stealth one. It was very well attended and was a huge success. I did hear one criticism of it—I overheard someone saying “it was a workshop on blending, and the presenter was wearing a miniskirt!” After workshops I was back at the bar, drinking lots of margaritas Eventually got invited up to someone’s room. A Michelle somebody and a guy. We played until 10 or so, then I excused myself, dressed, and went to catch the bus home (now with knowledge of the correct bus stop!) On the way out of the hotel, made one last pass through the bar to say goodbye to whomever was there. Jackie happened to be there! I went right up to her and kissed her on the lips. She immediately offered to give me a ride home, presumably after we went up to her room for a while. I turned to Wendy, who was standing beside us watching with eyes wide, and said “what do you think, can I trust her?” Wendy just froze with…what did her expression say? Huge smile of amusement, eyebrows halfway up her forehead, I don’t know what she was thinking. “You’re right. Thanks, Wendy” I said, turned and waved goodbye to everyone, and ran out to catch the bus. Back in Somerville, 11:30 was just too early to go home. I went to Diva, drank more, went across the street to have a hotdog, stumbled home.

Friday morning, woke up with a little over an hour to get ready before I needed to go catch the bus. Theoretically enough time, but I was dragging with head still very muddy from last night’s alcohol. I did the barest essentials. Disturbingly, didn’t find my bank card anywhere. I know I used it to pay my tab at Diva the night before. Couldn’t remember what I did with it after that. No time for a complete search through the mess of clothes on the floor, I had enough cash to get me through the day, so I ran out the door. Managed to get to the hotel in time for the first workshop, but I sure wasn’t made up very well. Waiting for the first session to start, my cell phone rang. Knowing my voice would be rough in my morning hangover state, I concentrated on making it high and clear. “Good morning, this is Sonia!” I sang into the phone, in a voice that came out remarkably clear and feminine. A pause, then, “Is Kyle there?” Not thinking clearly, I answered “ah, this is Kyle” in a voice that wasn’t quite as good but still typical for my Sonia voice. “Um, Kyle? This is Muazzez…” Oh crap. The secretary from work. She was calling to tell me I’d forgotten to sign some forms that had to be signed that day. “Oh, crap…” I said. As we talked, still not thinking clearly, my voice dropped little by little until it was some weird mix of Sonia and Kyle. Why couldn’t I have thought fast enough to continue singing, “Kyle? Oh yes, hold on, just a second. KYLE!!!” rub the phone against my blouse, and then continue in classic Kyle voice, “Hello? Oh, hi Muazzez!…” So anyway, can’t wait to see what questions I face at work tomorrow.

Choosing among the first workshops was tough. Thursday was over and the good workshops were on. I chose “Diagnostic Reform of Gender Identity Disorder” which was about different thoughts on updating the DSM, including the possibility of removing GID altogether. I thought it would be good background information for me when I go to think about picking a gender therapist, getting hormones, or considering surgery, or just getting a “carry letter.” I suppose it was, but gosh I would have liked to see some of those other workshops. After lunch, still thinking of which issues are most pressing for me, I went to “Coming out to Family and Children” and “Legal aspects of Gender Identity and Gender Expression in the Workplace.” Hung out with people in the bar for a bit, then around 6:00, took the bus back to sign the stupid form at work, look for my bank card, and get something to eat. There wasn’t but a few minutes to look for the card, but I got the others done and got back to the hotel at 9:00. Found Ashley, we went to the Sheraton for Sisters. We ended up with 12 girls. Not bad at all considering that most of our regulars were still back at First Event. 11:30, the Sheraton bar closed and we went back to the Marriott. There I ran into Jean. Jean whom I met at Jacques even before my first time to GNO. We had been wanting to hook up for months, so the deal for the night was done the instant our eyes connected. She was good, very good, and … well, it was special. Far more special than I ever would have guessed. Saturday morning then, I was downstairs for the workshops wearing my clothes from the day before. Think anyone noticed? The first workshop I chose was a panel of several doctors. Excellent choice for me. Excellent introduction to some of the names and personalities. It proved valuable later that night for being able to join in conversation with the TSes. I used my last ten dollars for lunch then before afternoon workshops. At 1:00, I went to “What we can learn from each other” which was sort of an introduction to the TG spectrum. While I have a pretty good handle on this already, the workshop was led by one of the leading gender therapists, and she’d chosen an excellent panel of people to represent different points on the spectrum. Very good, very enlightening. After that, “Respect within our community”, about sensitivity when talking to other TGs, or about other TGs. Again, very well done, very valuable, especially for me as a Sisters Moderator. At 4:00, I dashed home to shower, shave, and change into a nice dress for the evening awards banquet. At 7:00, I was back, and picking where to sit. I ended up sitting with some of the Natick girls, which was nice. The awards banquet, well, I can say I’ve done it now. After the banquet, I ended up tagging along with Laura. We went to her room and hung out for a bit, then at midnight, Laura had to go open Dr. Z’s suite to start the party there. I hung out there for most of the night. Had a very good time, then not having any place to go, tagged along with the last people left at the party–Diamondique, Scott from New York, and…someone else. We went to Scott’s room, played, danced, and finally, for 10 or 15 minutes as the sun was rising outside slept. Home Sunday, I tried to stay up, but couldn’t do anything productive. Climbed in bed and slept for a few hours.

Bleh, that was just kind of an outline of the weekend. Much, MUCH more happened. I really had a great time. Much better than I expected. Can’t wait to do it again!

Sonia New Year

Home, slept, and woke up to New Year’s Eve.

Called Erica, tried to call Ashley, but I had her number programmed wrong and got Charlene instead. After a kind of funny moment of confusion, we had a nice little phone conversation and I said goodbye.

I was on the street in Davis Square by then, looking for an outfit to wear for the night. (Nothing like planning ahead, hm?!) Decided to start with the cheapest options, and work my way up through the nicer stores until I found something. At Goodwill I came very close to making a mistake, but then at Poor Little Rich girl, found the perfect thing. I browsed around the whole store, but then in the middle of the room they had a rack with a sign saying “New Year’s Eve Suggestions”, where they’d collected all of their party clothes. How convenient! There was an absolutely fabulous Laurence Kazar top that fit me perfectly. It was mine for $34.

Home, tried on the top again, showed Al, and I loved it so much I didn’t want to take it off! I went right back out and had dinner by myself at Diva restaurant, then through the door to the lounge to show off my top and have a drink at my favorite local bar before really beginning the night. Randi was happy to see me and proclaimed that we were twins because of our sequined tops, but it was a funny thing to say otherwise. Her top was white, mine was black, and twins?—that’s even funnier. Never mind that she looks sort of mixed race, that we’re different sexes—um, we’re like a generation apart in age. In case she hadn’t noticed, she could be my daughter, not my twin. She said she’d seen me on the street earlier and had guessed that I was shopping for clothes to wear for the night. Fun that she saw me, recognized me, and guessed right. It’s fun to know that people see me out in the world as Sonia.

Home, I heard from Erica. She’d be there in an hour and a half. I had plenty of time to shower and shave. Well, really I took the whole hour and a half to do that, and answered the door wearing a towel. We dressed, and she did indeed let me do her makeup. It went very well. I loved her skin with minimal foundation, and loved the dimension I was able to give her cheeks with proper shading and highlighting. Remaining problems were eyes, lips, and beard. Eye makeup was going well until she started to panic about getting stuff in her eyes. She couldn’t hold still then, and after making two huge messes, one with eyeliner and a one with mascara, I gave her a q-tip with eye makeup remover, had her do damage control, and called it done. Eyeliner and mascara would have been nice, but at least I got nice color on her eyelids and up to the brow line. I didn’t get her beard covered quite as well as I would have liked, but it wasn’t bad. I’ve seen far worse on other t-girls. Lip problem was that we were running late and both near frustration points so I let her do her own lips. I would have loved to pencil, fill, highlight, and gloss properly. Ah well, another time.

We were off to Redline. We found the girls there, and I recognized a lesbian I knew right when I walked in the door. That was fun to feel like I belonged. The party was great. I danced a lot, drank a lot. I particularly had fun dancing with Chelle, who was there male-mode as Mike. Not quite comfortable with the whole lesbian thing yet, I was glad to have a guy to dance with, even if I could only think of him as Chelle in a guy’s body. I did in fact have fun dancing with a few of the lesbians. It was also good to spend the evening with Cynth, whom I’d met two nights before at GNO. It was good because I hadn’t learned who she was from that first meeting. I’m still so awful at remembering people! I called her Tami, then Trish, then had to ask her her name after making a fool of myself.

Erica bailed on me rather than come dancing at Rise. Sad for her, but no obstacle to my evening. Dancing was great, up until about 6:00, when the party really seemed to peter out. I’d planned on closing the place at 8:00, and felt great and wide awake, but it had kind of stopped being a fun place so I got my coat and left. In a light rain then, I walked through the Boston Common to look at the First Night ice sculptures. There were only two this year, but they were huge fantastic creations. They were lit up with flood lights, and looked absolutely stunning in the still-dark New England night in the deserted city park. The better of the two was a horse sculpture. From one angle it was lit from the front by the floodlights and the light sprayed off of it in all directions into the trees of the park, and behind it all the tiny lights of the tall buildings of the back bay filtered through the mist as a curtain. From the opposite side, I was able to stand in the shadow of the sculpture, the shadow of the floodlights, so that the only light I saw was transmitted through the ice. The extreme contrast of light and dark made the sculpture blaze from every feature. Home, contented, sleep.