Caroline

Friday, July 27, it was good to return to Sisters after skipping last week. The weather was hot and humid, and so, as much as I hated to, I asked for a ride. I had Deedee pick me up at the Jordan’s Furniture shopping plaza and that seemed to work well. It’s right on the highway, so it’s easy for her, and it’s right on the 137 bus line, so it’s easy for me.

Most fun of the night was new girl Caroline. She had been out of the house for the first time just days before and this was her second time out. She was so giddy with happiness and excitement! I kept thinking that that’s exactly how I felt on my first night out, almost exactly one year ago. I had fun talking with her, getting her story, telling her things about what we typically do on Fridays and so on, but it’s not like we clung to each other all night. She would wander around and talk to other people, and sometimes just sit alone, and the whole time soak up this new experience of being Caroline, out in public. I also loved the way she seemed so naturally feminine in all of her movement and mannerisms. Gosh, more so than *any* of the rest of us, I thought. Maybe it was just the exhilaration of being new, but she was so bouncy and animated, and doing everything so girly. I told a couple of people later that, while she claims to be a CD, I don’t think I’ve ever met someone so obviously TS, and that she was certainly on her way beginning a wild journey of discovery.Claiming that she was TS and didn’t know it was fun conversation at the time, but I thought more about it later and reconsidered. Just because someone is good with femininity, does that necessarily mean that she’s “female inside”? Who am I to say how she’s most comfortable identifying herself? It’s a binary mindset on my part. My mind is still aways trying to sort people into a binary system of gender. Maybe someone likes living as a guy, maybe they have a number of effeminate things about them, maybe he’s ok with that and likes himself just the way he is, and likes his life. Maybe he likes to cross dress now and then, and maybe when he does, he has some natural girl skilz that shine and he pulls it off very well. I think this describes a number of gay men who do drag. The thing is, Caroline is straight. I asked her what she thought of Tony at one point Friday night and she shrugged and had no opinion. She’s not attracted to men. Mm, so I guess that’s it. My little concept of the TG landscape didn’t have known territory for Caroline so I tried to force her into TS land. Fascinating stuff to think about!

Anyway, our group left the hotel to go club hopping downtown. We parked in the expensive parking lot and walked first past Lauren. I wanted to peek inside and look for Wendy and Paula, but Lauren was closed already. Next we found Club 33, a place we had never been. It was at the end of kind of dark and scary street and most of us were getting a little spooked. When we saw maybe 200 people on the street waiting to get in, we knew we had no chance and were ready to go. Not Ashley though, bless her heart! She forged right through the crowd to find the bouncers and chat them up. After a few minutes out of sight, Ashley resurfaced and returned to us as we breathed a collective sigh of relief. The story from the bouncers, of course, was that the place was so popular you pretty much had to call ahead and get on the guest list to get in. Ashley was already plotting to do that next week. We were at Club 33 at all because I was one of a few people, I think, who had expressed getting a little tired of Jurys and wanting to go someplace different.

To accommodate me, Ashley agreed to go to Club Cafe next. It’s no problem getting in there of course, and I was liking it just fine. I showed Caroline around the place, slurped down a drink, and kind of led the group up by the stage where people dance and where a DJ was set up tonight. I did like dancing. I liked having some activity besides just drinking and talking, I liked less of a “meat market” atmosphere, and, I think I have to confess, I felt more comfortable in the gay crowd at Club Cafe than the straight crowd at Jurys. The problem with Club Cafe that night though, was the heat. Their air conditioning wasn’t quite keeping up with the crowd and it was pretty stuffy in there. Finally the girls couldn’t take it any more and kind of said to me, “drink up Sonia, we’re leaving for Jurys now.”

It was a little bit funny and was fine with me of course. I was happy that Ashley and all the girls had been so willing to try something new, and that they had considered me, and I had gotten my dance fix, and now was happy to go chill at Jurys for a bit. Another drink there, nice conversation, and I walked home.

Yes it’s a long walk, but you know, I heard reports from some of the other girls about how late they got home, and I don’t think I got to bed much later than they did. By the time they gather everyone together, let every one go to the restroom, plan who is riding with whom, walk to the parking lot, get their cars, drive to hotel, drop people off, change cars, drive home…they get home really late. I walk right out of the bar, and straight home.

Dressing in public

Well, Friday evening didn’t go well. I was depressed about stuff to begin with, then ran into transportation problems and never made it Sisters. The only part that went well was dressing at North Station. I did makeup sitting on a bench in the waiting room. This got me just a couple of brief looks. After all, it’s a train station. People do crazy stuff, ya know? At the point where the basic canvas was in place, but before any eye or lip color, I went in the men’s room, in a stall, and did bra and breast forms, coming out wearing a bulky coat and holding my backpack, nothing looked strange about me at all. Went outside on the sidewalk, waited until no one was near, flipped on the wig, unzipped my coat, and strolled back into the station as a woman, right past the MBTA police that I had passed seconds earlier as a man. Sat back down on the same bench as before and finished eye and lip makeup. Failing to make it to Sisters, I thought about going to Club Cafe to see if I would run into them there. (It turns out that I would have!) But, I was so out of the mood by then. I just wasn’t feeling like walking into a happy socializing type of atmosphere. I needed food and drink though, so I went to Flash’s. The atmosphere is quiet there, I could be left alone, and who knows…I might cheer up enough to go dancing at Rise. Food and drink was good, I spent way too much money, but it still didn’t cheer me up enough to want to go dancing. I just went home.

Popularity

Friday, February 16: I worked right up to the end of the day, came home and checked instant messages. Eva was online and offered to pick me up at the Wakefield train station. That was great, except that I had no time to dress, just barely enough time to throw stuff in a bag and run out the door. So, I did that, and, not wanting to drag along two coats, just put on my black women’s coat over the clothes I wore to work and ran out the door. So, look what I’ve come to. The clothes I wore to work are women’s jeans, women’s sneakers, and, ok so my shirt is a men’s shirt, but it’s a relatively tight fitting pullover and it’s under the women’s coat. Plucked eyebrows, clean face, red fingernails, bald head, flat chest. WTF. But you know, I hardly got any strange looks out in public. In fact, on the subway, right across from me a guy plopped down wearing a magnificent women’s fur coat. You gotta love Cambridge.

At the hotel I dressed in Eva’s room while she chatted with Donna. I, um, kind of took my time doing it, and by the time I was done they were frustrated with me and anxious to get downstairs. Downstairs finally, Eva bought me a drink, still being so nice to me. Danielle, Ashley, and I were having sort of a summit meeting when we heard that Amberlyn was out in the parking lot and wanted company to walk into the hotel for the first time. This was too much fun. We all went, I deliberately left my coat behind so that there would be some urgency in getting back inside and thus it would be unreasonable for her to stall for time outside. Of course it all worked. I think she was half embarrassed to see us all wandering the parking lot looking for her, and she surrendered immediately and came in with us.

A group of us bailed from the hotel relatively early to try to get into Toast before the lines were too long. No such luck. Toast is just too popular on Fridays. We stood in line until Danielle and Dina came and shook us to our senses. Walking back to the car, we passed Kathleen on the street. She and I recognized each other and said hi. Now this is Kathleen that I know from Diva Lounge. It’s fun to be recognized as Sonia on the street! Second choice after Toast was good old Club Cafe. No line, no cover, music, drinks, fun people, what’s not to love? Connected to Club Cafe by a hallway is another bar I didn’t even know existed, called Laurel. Dina wanted to go there because the atmosphere is quieter and conversation is easier. Danielle protested that the place is always dead and no fun. She lost, we went into Laurel. The place was full of people and looked lively and interesting. “Now see?…” I started to say to Danielle. “Exactly what I said, hm? The place is dead!” she finished my sentence. Funny how she and I saw the same bar two different ways! I decided that, to her, atmosphere comes from the background music and noise. Laurel had no music playing. It didn’t bother me, but…I’ve never been a music person. It worries me. It could mean that I’m not a girl and that Danielle is. Anyway, we all hung out in there for one drink, then moved to her choice, the regular bar area of Club Cafe. There, I immediately ran into David, who recognized me and wanted a picture with me. So…I was kind of still showing off my popularity to the the other girls. More socializing and two more drinks at Club Cafe, and then I was off to Rise…with Amberlyn in tow! It was so cool to be taking a friend to Rise, especially one that was young and cute and dressed for fun. Of course in Rise, I had to greet yet more friends, still showing off my popularity. Well, that’s what it felt like anyway. Amber was in heels and so really wasn’t prepared to dance for long. Also she wasn’t prepared to stay up quite all night. She was a trooper though. She danced as much as she could, I sat with her and we rested some. We left around 4:30 and she gave me a ride home. It was a very cool Friday.

Club hopping

Thursday, um…I lost my notes for this day. Don’t remember it now.

Friday was Sisters, of course. Another good night with no big issues. Ashley counted 13 for the night. There are 11 in the group photo. Missing from the photo is Mary. Not sure who the other person was. It was fun to see Mary. I knew her from my BDSM days some three or four years ago. I barely remembered her, I don’t think she didn’t remember me, but I remembered enough details from an intimate night spent together to make her smile. After the Witherspoon closed, a few of us went to Club Cafe, where we just happened to run into a couple other sisters, Dina and Danielle. They had been to Jacques, and had picked up a guy there and brought him to Club Cafe. What fun! Their story was that there was a second guy that was supposed to come with them but he disappeared. It was fun to watch them interact with this guy at Club Cafe. Once we found them, we were all over the girls, talking, telling stories, and just being girlfriends. We did talk to the guy some, but really the poor guy kind of got pushed out of the spotlight. Afterward, I walked to Rise, found Deedee right away, we danced for 90 minutes or so, and bugged out early.

We’re not in Kansas anymore

I got up yesterday about 4pm, checked messages on the computer, set my away message to “making myself beautiful”, and spent the next two hours in the bathroom washing, shaving, and otherwise pampering myself. I’d decided to wear my Dorothy costume to GNO, but the poor thing needed a few repairs after a long night at Triangles. The blouse, the petticoat, the shoes, all a mess. I dressed as I made repairs, and then somehow I’d run out of time and had to hurry to catch the last bus to Woburn. Great, I thought, once again I’ll have to throw makeup in a bag and put it on at the hotel. I started looking for what I would need and found it all still in the bag I’d taken to Natick on Tuesday. Convenient? Pathetic? Dunno. I tucked it in the basket next to Toto and ran out the door. Walking through downtown from the train stop to the bus stop was almost fun. Lots of people were out on their way to Halloween parties and I got lots of people saying to their friends “hey, there’s Dorothy!” and then smiling and waving at me. Braided hair on the bus, did makeup at the hotel, and I was there.

Wow, GNO was different that night! There were lots of girls there, and lots of them I’d never met. I talked to Wendy for just a few minutes, then started trying to meet at least some of these new faces! One particularly happy moment was getting to repay the compliment that so many of the girls gave me on my first night dressed. I’d come the week before male mode and the great compliment was that girls who met me the week before didn’t recognize me dressed. It was such a thrill for me to get this genuine acknowledgment that I really appeared to be a new person. That was me three months ago. Now this night, I walked up to one of these new faces, a pretty girl in a nice black dress with nicely done makeup and said something like, “Hi, I’m Sonia, I don’t think we’ve met.” She grinned and said, “Actually we have. You met me last week, I’m Robbi.” I think I threw my arms around her, I was so excited for her! Like me three months ago, she was smiling ear to ear all night long. For good reason too, she looked great. I told her so. I hope lots of people did.

I had a particularly thought provoking talk with another girl who I think was at Woburn for the first time, or at least was unfamiliar with our little crowd, because she was baffled and dismayed over how, um, “rough” some of us are. This girl looks good, dresses to blend, and in general is pretty passable. She likes passing and thinks other girls would surely want the same for themselves. Why even bother to do this, she wondered, if you can’t do it well? It’d be easy to dismiss the question by saying the obvious: We do what we do because we like to, and because we can, and GNO is our wonderful opportunity to do it in a safe and comfortable environment. It’d be easy to dismiss her question as judgmental. How true is it then, that anything worth doing is worth doing well? How true is the the stronger statement that if you can’t do something well, that you shouldn’t do it? How well is well enough?

I’ve been thinking lately that I would like to go full time, even before hormones or any other body modifications. I’d look a little strange, I know; but the reactions I’ve gotten from people during my first three months of dressing have been positive enough that I think I’d be happy. Now she has me thinking… Does “a little strange” look positively absurd to everyone but me? Am I delusional? Should I abandon my crazy idea? A girl fully transitioned with the most beautiful…everything…still can’t get pregnant. Want to tell her that because of that, she shouldn’t have bothered? This girl I was talking with asked me point blank if she passed. Awkward situation. I hesitated, and pointed out her hands…and she agreed. Not much can be done about big thick hands. So…what, by her criteria, should she give up on cross dressing? Obviously she thinks the rule shouldn’t be quite that harsh. Obviously, at this point, there is no rule, there can’t be a rule, and it doesn’t even make sense to think about it. A person does whatever they are comfortable doing. I look around and I see an amazingly diverse transgender landscape. And, I love everything I see.

It took a much longer time than usual to get out of Opal and on to another venue. The problem was much drama still churning around a certain incident, gosh, three weeks ago now, I think. If you’re interested in this, please reread the song lyrics I posted in my journal on October 11. Finally out of the hotel around 12:30, we had about an hour at Club Cafe before it closed at 2am. I was a little frustrated with how much trouble I had getting a drink from the bar. I might have just been impatient because I was dying of thirst, but I think the bartender was seriously ignoring me and ignoring our group in general. My imagination? He was busy, that’s true enough. Still, I felt snubbed. Maybe he doesn’t like trannies? Maybe he knows our group hangs out in front of the bar, blocking access by other customers, that we don’t order much, and don’t tip much? Erica saw my frustration and said, “let me get this…” but she had just as much trouble at first as I did. I couldn’t wait any longer and ran off to find the water fountain. Erica protested, trying to hold me at the bar. I ducked away. You know, I felt a little smothered at a couple of points that night.

From Club Cafe, I walked a block down the street to Rise. What an escape that place is! The moment I walked in the door, all worries vanished and the world became a happy place. At Rise, I’m Sonia. The computer knows me as Sonia. Everyone there knows me as Sonia. Straight to the restroom, I changed into dance clothes, then went to the coat check to check my coat, the Dorothy costume, and Toto too. The coat check guy, Sean, smiled and said, “Sonia! I heard you weren’t going to be here tonight.” I said simply that work plans changed, but inside I was tickled pink at the thought that I was in his mind. How does he know me? I know him because there’s just one of him, but he sees hundreds of people at his window. Anyway, it made me smile. I found Deedee right away then. We were happy to see each other. We danced together on and off over the night. When I wasn’t with her I was just off by myself, lost in the music, the beat, the lights, the crowd. So much fun. It was great to be all rested and wide awake. It was great to start to feel a little more comfortable dancing. I know I still basically flail around like an epileptic, but I feel like my body is learning pretty quickly to move more fluidly and rhythmically. It seems like a good start. I like learning, even if I’m a beginner. Deedee was done at 5:30. She drove me home and I slept.

Girls Night Out

I turned on my phone just at the end of the day and there was a message from Erica waiting for me, asking if I still wanted a ride to Woburn GNO. Only then did I remember she’d offered to give me a ride when I saw her on Tuesday. I called her back and agreed pretty quickly. I got dressed but didn’t have time for makeup before she arrived. I invited her in while I packed makeup so I could do it at the hotel, then we had a quick little makeout session before hitting the road. I made her sit facing me because I didn’t want to mess up my outfit. So we started with little kisses on the lips, but before long I had climbed over into her lap. Now, like most girls, I suppose, I was afraid of crushing her, so I was supporting a little of my weight with one arm and a little of my weight by resting my feet on the chair I had just climbed out of. Still, I was able to put my other arm around her and I had my legs pulled up close so it was really very much like I was completely curled up in her lap. Omg, I bet I haven’t done that since I was a little boy. Yes, I’m quite sure I’ve never done that romantically or sexually. I felt like such a girl! And I loved the feeling so much!!! Is this crazy or what? I’m…a middle aged man, and here I’m…what, pretending to be, imagining that I am, or acting like, a young girl? Now, Erica wasn’t dressed; she was male-mode, and had a bit of a scruffy face (which hadn’t struck me as unusual yet) so when I say “she” I’m just saying that because she’s Erica. In fact, I was enjoying so much being a girl with my arms wrapped around a man, sitting in his lap and kissing him. Nnn, it’s so arousing, just typing this up. I really don’t know what it all means. Objectively it just seems so crazy. Wouldn’t most of the population say I’m clinically insane? Is there some DSM number for me?

And separately, even if there is, can I keep it?

I also think I’m bad. See, Erica seems to have a crush on me. In the car a little later, I found out or finally realized that the reason for the scruffy face was that she wasn’t coming to GNO, she was only giving me a ride there and dropping me off as a favor to me. I have to say, that felt a bit awkward. It’s a fair drive from her place to mine, and a fair drive from my place to GNO, so it’s not like this was just on her way to somewhere or other. She was going to all this trouble just for a chance to see me for a little bit and not even be out anywhere together. Um, that’s a pretty serious crush. Now, I’ve told her from the start that I’m not looking for romantic attachment and that I really want to remain unattached for now and I think I’ve been consistent with that message on a verbal and rational level and she says she understands and is ok with all that. But when I let her go out of her way to do inappropriate favors, then reward her by curling up in her lap…I’m bad. I’m taking advantage of her for my own selfish pleasure.

At the hotel then, Deedee, Maxi, and Dani were there when I arrived. Dani I recognized from somewhere, but I know I don’t really know her yet. She seemed to be there with Maxi. I never made time to talk to her. I could have at least said hi, hm? Shortly after I sat down with them, a guy asked if he could join us. He introduced himself with a female name of Bobbi, and explained that he had a long time interest in dressing but was just starting to act on it. He was a little shy, but enjoyed talking with us, I think. He manned the camera for our group photo at the end of the night. Actually I think he should have been in it for being there and participating. We were worried that it would just be the four of us for the night, but after a bit, Misha, Tiffany, and Staci showed up. I talked to them, but just briefly really. Misha, I think I recognized from recent posts on Friends of Triangles. Tiffany was obviously with Misha, and got a bear for coming to GNO for the first time, but it clearly wasn’t her first time out as she and Misha both looked great, and were very well put together, made up, and poised. Staci, I think was at GNO for the first time as well, but I don’t think she got a bear. Not sure what was going on there. Also I think I remember her from somewhere. Did we chat online? I just don’t remember. I liked her look and wish I would have made more time for her. Corduroy skirt, vertical stripe blouse, if I remember. A very natural “blend” look.

Finally then, was Tami. Tami was out for the first time, and what fun she was! So nervous, but so excited and happy! I talked with her a lot and tried to help her relax and have fun. We sat at the bar and she had a glass of wine. When Ashley wanted to pick a bar to go to next, Tami wanted a place that was dark, very dark. The Opal had way too much light for her. We ended up at Club Cafe and she had a blast. She’s since posted the nicest thank-you message I’ve ever seen to the GNO mailing list. Ashley must have had tears of pride in her eyes.

FSS

Predictable. So much to write about. When I wrote on Friday, I was home finishing up work on the computer, and plans were for Gabriella to come and pick up me and Jessica and the three of us go to GNO. Gabriella never messaged and never showed. Jessica and I took way too long getting ready. I thought I was late last week. This week I was even half an hour later. To get there, Jessica walked to a taxi stand got a cab and came to pick me up. I walked to Mass Ave and waited for her on the street. I must have looked like a hooker standing on the corner. I got one “hey sexy!” while I waited, which was fun. I was so flustered from being late, I didn’t even calm down on the cab ride. It wasn’t until we got to the hotel and I’d said hello to people and had a drink in front of me that I finally calmed down. It turned out that we were there in plenty of time. Everyone was still at the hotel, and we still had a little time to socialize before going out dancing. I talked a little bit with Wendy, whose face I remembered, but otherwise didn’t know. She’s quiet but nice. I should talk with her more. Most fun to talk to was Deedee. She’s a lawyer and had strong advice for me to stay in the closet at work, and in general, to slow down a bit from my current pace. Ah, for the first time, I can easily name everyone in the group photo. Jessica, Ashley, Tiffany, Deedee, Erica, me, and Wendy. Erica, like last week, was critical and full of advice for me. It’s a good thing, for now anyway. Also, this week Ashley paid more attention to me, and I felt more included. She helped me pose for the camera. I still take such bad pictures!  Jessica is a victim. An admirer there cornered her and talked to her the whole time we were at the hotel. I don’t know. She says she has a bit of a dirty old man fetish, and she likes to be objectified, and is totally submissive and likes to let people have their way with her. So, was she ok with that at the hotel? Maybe so. I would think she’d rather be socializing with the rest of us, but, maybe not. I came over to her a couple of times under the pretense of getting my drink, interrupting the two of them and giving her an escape route if she wanted it. She never took it. Oh well.

Five of us piled into one car to go to Club Cafe then. The club was fun, but nothing too wild or crazy happened. I danced a little bit with Jessica, a little bit with Tiffany, a little bit with the girls as a group, but really, didn’t dance all that much. All five of us spent much of the night brushing off three particularly persistent men. And you know, each of us would do that with varying degrees of efficiency. At one extreme, Ashley would have nothing to do with them and would dispatch them instantly with a single comment. At the other extreme, Jessica was an easy mark. At one point toward the end of the evening, the DJ spun “Last Dance” and I went to get Jessica on her feet. When I approached, she shouted something like, “he has my shoes!” Yes, like a school yard tormentor, her predator had taken her shoes. When he saw he was busted he immediately handed them over, looking embarrassed. Jessica put them on, complaining of his misbehavior. I got her on the dance floor and, while it didn’t turn out to be the last dance, at least it was the end of lechy leeches for the evening. You know, the rest of the people there are great. I met Rod, who was remembered us from last week and whom I remembered as the best dancer on the floor.

After dancing, we followed about the same routine as last week, only backwards. Jessica and I still got dropped on the street, but this time closer to her place than mine, so the plan was to walk to her place and crash for the night. Also, tonight I was the one in heels and she was the one who had brought sneakers to change into for the walk. We stopped at 7-11 to get snacks and were sitting on the street when a funny thing happened. Jessica was unusually spooked and concerned about safety that night, and one of us had just said something about police when a police cruiser appeared at the intersection right in front of us. Jessica was sure we were about to get hassled and the two of us were talking about it when the light changed and the police car turned and drove off. Right behind the police car was an ambulance. As it turned the opposite direction, the driver leaned out the window and yelled in disgusted voice, “You are so fucking lucky!” We blinked and saw that he was yelling, not at us, but at a car that was stopped square in the middle of the intersection. In our self-absorbed insecurity, we hadn’t noticed this car run the red light right in front of the cop, and then stop in the middle of the intersection, not knowing what to do. It’s nice sometimes to be reminded that the world doesn’t revolve around you.

At Jessica’s place, she wanted to play but I disappointed her by going straight to sleep. I had to get up and work in a few hours. The next morning I had a new challenge — I had to get dressed and go home, only with no makeup except for huge mascara smudges under my eyes. I think I never would have made it without my experience of going to GNO last week with my makeup unfinished. I felt so self-conscious then, but later decided it had to be mostly in my head. So this morning I was able to remind myself not to be so self-conscious, but just hold my head up and go do it. I was leaving at about the same time as Jessica’s roommate, Kate. We didn’t exactly walk out the door together, but when I got to the train station, I headed for the line at Dunkin and she was there in line. I came up behind her and said something like, “Hi Kate, Omg, I’ve got to have my Dunkin.” I had a lesson for me then. She barely acknowledged me, grabbed her coffee and then ran off in an instant. I realized my faux pas: She was looking her best and trying her best to pass. Here I was dressed in my now-rumpled glam and with my face looking like a mud puddle. The last thing in the world she needed was this morning-after drag queen striking up a conversation and calling attention to her. Seconds later, I ran into her again on the platform. She looked around, saw that the platform was empty but for us, and called out to me, now being friendly and talkative. I apologized to her, she apologized to me, and we were fine.

Home, showered, phone message from Lynn was waiting. We had to make plans for going to the game! Now, first of all, I know I said once that I hate football, but you know, I don’t really hate it. It’s just not something I would normally choose to watch. Going to a game is a big deal though. Tickets are hard to get. And anyway…I’m such a sucker for doing anything with Lynn and now in particular, since I’d worried I might lose her as a friend, I was absolutely thrilled when she called me on Friday and asked me to come to the game with her. I hesitated for only a couple of seconds, considering that I would have to cancel my plans of going to the pool party, before accepting.

FSS still

Yes, I know it’s Tuesday already, but I have one more Saturday story. We were just packing up to leave the pool party when this very cute, young hottie walks up to us, smiles, and says, “weren’t you at Club Cafe last night?” It was him!!! It was the cute guy that talked to us the night before. How much fun is that? We talked a little bit more. I wish i wasn’t so socially inept. He had to see how flattered I was to get his attention, and that he remembered me, but…why couldn’t I have flirted? Just a little bit? It took all my concentration just to try to look cool and not nervous. I had no sense left to chat him up, flirt, see where things might go. *sigh* Hope I can learn.

Sunday morning was laundry. Sunday evening was supposed to be a date with Al, but crazy stuff happened. To start with, Al almost messed things up by inviting his friend Leesha. I was shocked when he told me that. Firstly, it’s not cool to surprise a friend by throwing a cross dresser in her face without warning. Leesha didn’t ask for that, and it had nothing to do with her. It was just weird, and I’ll have to talk to Al about that before he does it to someone else. Secondly, I was under the impression that I was getting a date. It’s not cool to surprise your date with a third wheel, especially of your own initiative!! My feelings were hurt at the time. After having time to think though, I think if this had actually happened and Leesha had said yes, it would have been appropriate for me to walk out on the date. A girl should never put up with that.

In the afternoon, I’d gone out to do a little shopping and have dinner when Sheila called, sobbing on the phone. She had gone to visit a friend and learned when she arrived that the friend had died. I couldn’t let her just talk on the phone, so I immediately asked if I could come over. She said yes, I left a note for Al canceling for the night and went straight over. She’d stopped crying by the time I got there, but was still very shaken. We went for a walk, talked about her friend, and after a while her mood was much better. She was asking about me, what I’d been up to, and what my plans were for the night and so on. I confessed that Al and I were going to see “Little Miss Sunshine” and she exclaimed, “Oh, I want to see that movie!” She was willing to go then, so I called Al, we met, and the three of us saw the movie together. The movie was good, lots of fun. There was a little irony in the evening though, I ended up messing up the date and ended up bringing a third person. So…no date for Sonia, but the evening turned out well for everyone.

Yesterday was a pretty normal Monday. I worked, saw the therapist, got my Prozac prescription refilled, went shopping. Went to Lord and Taylor, the Pru, and Copley Place. Everything way out of my price range but still fun to look at. I still don’t know my size. I found one top I liked on the clearance rack at L&T. Tried it on and it was too small. A 12, so clearly I need at least a 14. I’m guessing a 16. After shopping I started wandering the streets and gravitated to Jacque’s. The show tonight was great. Not the typical drag show, but more like genderqueer burlesque. A mix of boys and girls. For most of them, I couldn’t even tell which. I didn’t try too hard to figure it out, just watched and enjoyed. Waiting for the train home, I ran into Jim on the platform so we rode home together. Home, chatted on the net, went to bed at 2:00 am.

Food yesterday:
Breakfast: fruit cup
Coffee: tiny muffin
Lunch: Salad, ramen noodles, chicken
Dinner: Fish salad, avocado sushi roll, cocktail
Later: gin and tonic

Weight: 168