Double Take

September 24, Monday, was feeling a little ill. By Tuesday, was coughing up plum-sized globs of green stuff from my lungs. Same on Wednesday. Better Thursday and Friday.September 28, Friday evening, was sitting at home bored and started playing with makeup. Al came home about the time I was finished and was acting astonished at the result. I was pleased, but never believe him. I knew I’d get more honest reactions from people at the bar. I’d already decided I was going to Charlie’s, just to get out of the house. I told Al I was going out “to walk in the dark.” He said, “Ok, but you’re going to get propositioned!” I didn’t think my makeup was going to get any special attention because I’d done a very soft and natural look, with very little color or drama. I walked in Charlie’s though, and every one of the regulars did double takes and stared. Wow, I guess I had done something good. Of course, they were most used to seeing me with no makeup or 60 second makeup, but still, I know they’d all seen me in full makeup before, and I’d never gotten that reaction. Fascinating.

Frustrated with Daphne

This entry and several following scraps were actually entered November 30. This lapse in journalling because I was headed for, um, challenges …in a handbasket. The record isn’t complete but these entries are representative of what I was up to during this period.

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Saturday, September 22, met Daphne at South Station. Home with her. Piddled Sunday and failed to get to Benefit at Machine. Frustrated with Daphne because she was so late, because then she was afraid to go places in public, because she had no money to spend, because I had to pee. Home, invited her in while I peed, then kicked her out. She didn’t leave for 20 minutes after I told her to leave. Went to Charlies for food and drink. Drank five, I think, then came home and started playing on web cam for some people. Got out tequila, made nasty strong margaritas, drank two, went in the bathroom and threw up.

CD Aunts and Grandmothers

Saturday the plan was going to the FoRCC roll call party with Daphne. I met her at South Station when she got off work at 3:00, we went back to her place. We got to RCC at 11:15. I was pretty frustrated, but couldn’t complain because I hadn’t communicated my wishes to her plainly enough. What I should have said is that I really hoped to get there early so as to have lots of time to seek out and get to know better some of my CD “aunts and grandmothers”—girls that are like a generation or two ahead of me in CD time. You know what I mean? You start going out as a new CD and you’re like a teenager. Wild and exuberant and daring and exploring and testing limits. You do that for a period—a year or two, I think, and then you move out of adolescence into your CD “young adulthood” you’ve got some social skills now, you’ve mastered your look and your personality, you might even have a reputation(!), but you probably haven’t quite found your place in the world. You might drift away from your first social circles, find new ones, you might go back to your roots. Then, if you’re lucky, you settle down in whatever part of the TG landscape feels best to you. Some of these girls were at RCC, and most of them I don’t know very well yet. Me, I’m kind of graduating from my teenage phase, I think, and looking for new horizons. I’d love to listen to wisdom of some of my elders at this point. *sigh*

So, 11:15 didn’t leave enough time for that. Vonnie was wonderful to me, as she has been. I had a nice time talking with Paula. She was so happy to realize that it was Daphne and I that were dating. Dianna, I stood and listened to her tell one story, and I gave her a hug goodnight when she left. That’s all I really wanted to hang around her more. Junie, I embarrassed myself in front of. It’s only been like four times that I’ve met her now, so I was pretty sure I knew who she was, but it was late, I’d had a couple of drinks, and I blurted out, “who are you?” “I’m June Casad”, she said in a very sincere voice and looking into my blurry eyes. *sigh* I think she knew I was struggling. Lace? I still don’t know who that is. I hear she was there. *sigh* Still just a name to me. Crap, crap, I’m still so bad at meeting people and getting to know them. < Oh, one girl I really liked meeting was Denise, but I just met her at the end of the night and was drunk and just got an introduction and a picture with her. I wish I knew how to contact her now. She looked so advanced in transition. Really, I can’t imagine her passing as a guy.

I liked seeing Amy Avalon there. I’d been thinking about her just recently. And then I didn’t get to talk to her except to say hello goodbye. I love her because so far, while I’ve been in my “teens” I’ve thought of her as being in the generation just ahead of me and I’ve looked up to her. She’s past her teens, and into that more sober phase of finding her place in the world. How do I know? Well, people tell stories of how she was just like me, going out every week, going dancing, and then she started appearing at fewer CD events. That when she did, she would show up with unshaved legs sometimes. I know I’ve seen her lots of different ways, from looking very finished and perfect, to…male mode! I’ve heard her talk about how she’s considered FFS, and thought hard about where she was and where she wanted to go next. Very cool stuff, and always, I’ve thought, facing just the sorts of issues that I’ll be facing myself before long. How did she look Saturday? In a very short and very flirty black skirt that was tiered and lacy. Like, how fun for a Saturday night with the girls?

Hmm, what else? Wendy and Natasha both bought me drinks. I talked with Terri for a bit. There was a Diane there that was a good friend of Terri’s. I said hello to Dahlia, Jonelle, Winnie, Mellisa, Nadia. Talked with Wendy, Erica, Danielle. Saw Dina leave looking very drunk. Ashley didn’t show up. Omg, not fair…I know there were lots of other girls I talked to but forgot to mention here.

Sunday with Daphne was about as lazy as a day gets. We napped, ate, napped, ate, and basically did nothing. It was nice. The weekend with Daphne was nice, but sadly with too much tension. Daphne and I both have money problems, roommate problems, and health problems. Both of us are kind of sick with worry about problems that we’re not dealing with well. Both of us are kind of wondering about our relationship together. With all that though, it was nice. It was a weekend together.

Oh, just go buy a black skirt

Friday was a milestone night. Trina from Arizona was coming to see me, go to Sisters with me, and spend the night. I can’t resist retelling the story of Trina here.

It was the last week in July last year. Two weeks earlier I had been to GNO for the first time. I went with Jessica, and while we arrived just about the time the party was breaking up to go into Boston, I had seen the cross dressers from across the bar, talked with Krys Ann, and was now crazy curious about cross dressing. I was at GNO this night on my own, early this time, to have time to actually talk with the cross dressers and figure out if they were crazy or like normal people or what. This night when my mission was to meet some real live cross dressers, Trina was in Boston on business and looking for fellow CDs to hang out with and perhaps show her how they have fun in Boston. Trina and I then, being both eager and unfamiliar with the GNO routine, were at the hotel bar long before anyone else. I um…(sorry Trina!)…read her pretty easily and sat down next to her to strike up a conversation. This alone time gave us a chance to trade stories and get to know each other a little bit. This had to be a huge help for me to have the ice already be broken by the time others began arriving.

I’d love to know what her initial take on me was. I really think that she read me as TS at first glance. Anyway, over the course of the night, she put one of her bracelets on me, used female pronouns on me, and basically gave me my first rush of gender euphoria. By the end of the night, my fate was sealed. I was going to be a girl. Over the next *week*, I did everything: bought my first makeup, wig, purse, heels, outfit, jewelry, and picked a name. Trina was instrumental not only in transforming me that Friday night in July, but also in providing emotional support during this frenzied week. After my first attempt at shopping for an outfit ended in total failure, with me unable to imagine myself in anything, and therefore paralyzed from even trying anything on, Trina’s advice (by email from Arizona now) was “Oh, just go buy a black skirt!” “Right, right” I thought, my panic dissipating, “just go buy a black skirt.” And I did. I went back out the next night, tried shopping again, and with the panic gone, was able try on a number of things, and pick out a complete outfit–yes, that included a black skirt. The rest is history, mostly preserved in my journal here on the internet.

Here, over a year later, Trina was finally getting to meet me as Sonia for the first time. The night was wonderful and magical, just perfect. I was most happy that Trina got a rich sample of my world. She called on the cell phone when she was a few blocks away and I ran to the end of the street to meet her. I recognized the car from her description and held out my arms in “come hug me” position to get her to stop. She said later her first thought was, “what is that pretty girl doing on the side of the street doing?” just before realizing, “oh that’s Sonia!” We drove two block to the metered parking lot, walked back to my place to change, walked to the Square for dinner. I loved going out in public with Trina because she was right with me on choices of places to go. Of course she wanted to go to places that weren’t hostile toward TGs, but she trusted me when I said we could go anywhere in Davis Square, and was happy to go to ordinary places. We ate at Antonnio’s, the very nice Italian place that’s right there in the square. I’d have to go back and read my journal, but I think I ate there once by myself as Sonia when I was very new. It would have been one of my early experiments in acceptance. I vaguely remembered that it went well so I thought that the place was a good choice. Another choice I offered was (La Spina) where, I explained, the manager knew me and would be happy to see me. Trina didn’t come right out and say it, but I think she was thinking it would be more interesting to go to a place without such a crutch of predetermined acceptance. Of course we were accepted, and dinner was wonderful.

At Sisters, Trina was amazing with her instant rapport with girls. She talked at length with Danielle (satin blouse Danielle) and came away with amazing stories. She talked with Steffi and came away with very personal information that I don’t think Steffi had even told me. Everybody loved her. I was so happy and proud to be there with her. Ah, it’s unrelated to this story of Trina, but while I’m at Sisters, I have to note that Deedee looked really really good that night. Great colors in her clothes, good makeup, a happy smile. Ah, but she’s in love… Anyway, Trina and I opted out of dancing with the girls and we headed back toward my place. Actually to the Alewife garage and then on the subway one stop to Davis Square. Trina has wanted the experience of riding the subway, so this was cool to give her just a little taste of it. Nothing scary, as it was the last train and I think we had the car to ourselves, but still, part of the experience of Sonia’s world.

Trina also wanted one more drink before going home. She first had in mind a bar with a pool table, but I didn’t know how to deliver that off of the top of my head, and I don’t play pool much anyway, so we settled on a Davis Square Bar. Again following the principle of going to places without guaranteed acceptance, we went to Orleans. I explained that I had been there just a few times but was no regular, that it was a fairly classy place with a fairly young crowd. Well it turned out to be not quite the unknown I promised. I think the bouncer recognized me and waved us right in, as he was checking IDs for other people. The bartender recognized me for sure, welcoming me with a big smile, and a “hey! how are you?” Oops, I guess people remember me. Anyway, Trina needed to pee. I reassured her that she was welcome to use the ladies room, sent her off in that direction, and got us drinks from the bar. We sat and sipped and people watched the crowd of college kids and again, it was another perfect little slice of Sonia’s world.

Home finally, we made good on promises we had been making each other for over a year, and then slept really really well.

The next morning I wanted breakfast before sending Trina off. We walked out the door before choosing a destination and I started enumerating choices. “Just up the street is a quaint, almost girly, little breakfast cafe…” “Perfect” Trina said, “I don’t need to hear the other choices.” And perfect it was. She was struck by how “New England” Renee’s was. A little independent mom and pop type place, with local art on the walls, a worn wooden floor and so on. She had gone in the place saying that she really wasn’t a breakfast person, and ended up ordering a big wonderful breakfast and then carrying on about how good each little part of it was. I escorted her on the T back to the Alewife lot, we picked up her car and she dropped me off at my house, and we kissed good bye. Omg, what a great visit.

Looming

Wednesday and Thursday I remember I moped around wanting Daphne to invite me to spend the night. It didn’t happen.

Fenway T Supper Club

Saturday home doing housework. Sunday evening with Stacy and Jessica. Monday Daphne.

Tuesday was something kind of new, my first night of the T Supper Club at Fenway Community Health. Now, I kind of have to mind my p’s and q’s here, because Fenway is really big on confidentiality, but I think I can talk in generalities. My goal in coming to this was to branch out and explore more of the trans community. I’ve been mostly raised by cross dressers over this last year. My social circle has mostly been GNO and then Sisters. Similar are FoRCC, FoFL, FoTriangles, TCNE, First Event. I’ve explored a number of other groups and events, at least to some extent, in search of diversity: Jacque’s, Imperial Court, Boston Pride, Gender Crash, MTPC, Boston FTMSOFFA, Mad Fem Pride. I’ve found some diversity in some of the online groups I’ve participated in: TSonHormones, TSVoice, Mikes’s TG Planet. What else is there? Surely I’ve only touched the tail and the ear of the TG elephant. What is the rest like? So anyway, the T Supper Club certainly proved to be a different part of the elephant than any part I already knew. With only ten or so of us there, it’s far from representative of the whole elephant, but I think the people there are going to prove a fascinating mix. A few of them I knew already. Pretty sure I’m going to be really glad I signed up for this.

One thing I found frustrating to the point where I acted a bit childish. Alex had us talk for the first hour, and then eat. The problem was, some of us were hungry! See, though we may act like little girls, we’ve got big boy appetites. It was maddening to have the food sitting there and not be able to dig in. We did introductions and those were allowed to drag on and fill up the entire hour! I kept thinking that if people would just stop talking, we would be allowed to eat. But no, they would drone on with their stories, then ask each other questions, and inside I would groan, “nooo, don’t encourage her to talk more!” *sigh* So, ok, my head was totally in the wrong place. I should have been listening intently to these stories to get to know my new dinner friends for the next six Tuesday nights. Instead, I’m afraid I was a very poor listener. Worst of all was when a straggler showed up after this hour of introductions, just when it was time to eat. “oh, no way, I thought, should she be allowed to eat without suffering through these introductions like the rest of us.” *sigh* But no, Alex was gracious and the latecomer stayed. My bad attitude carried over to the feedback sheet. I’m afraid my answers were snippy and sarcastic. Oh well, have to make up for it next week

Pure Sisters

Friday at Sisters, Ashley was full of excitement over the First Event Fashion Show. That was a bit tedious, then finally I had the chance to chat with new girls Lilli and Josie. Lilli was particularly appreciative of having someone to talk to. When Ashley was asking who wanted to go dancing, I said my only excuse was that I had no money in my pocket. At that point Lilli handed me a twenty and insisted that I go.

We went to Pure again and again it was a cool scene. Josie drove, and it was just three of us at first, Josie, Ashley, and myself, although Ashley was talking to people on the phone who were planning on joining us there. The three of us set up camp at the corner of the bar, ordered drinks, Ashley ran off to dance when the DJ played her favorite song. I hung out with Josie, although conversation was all but impossible with the noise there. I went outside at one point to check phone messages, and there walking up the sidewalk was an easily readable t-girl, dressed in pretty ordinary jeans and top, and walking with a rather masculine gait. I watched her thinking I could catch her eye, but she passed the club without looking at me or anyone standing around outside. She paused and looked back over her shoulder, and around the corner came a guy in a suit. They made eye contact, and continued on up the street in formation. Hmm, sex work, I suppose. Back inside, I ran into (f)Emily near the front door and she ran to me and threw her arms around me. Startled, I stepped backwards, banging my head against a door frame or something. Then she was gone. Sheesh. Plopped back down next to Josie, I spotted Sarah, the girl I had danced with last time I was here! She came over and said hi and introduced me to the friend she was with and talked for a bit. I was starting to feel like I belonged.

A little later I was on the dance floor and a girl came and said hello and that she knew me from Gender Crash. Crap, I walk around in such a daze. I didn’t recognize her at all. Anyway, her name was Lindsey. We danced a little bit, I think, and then another came and wanted to dance. Very cute, very young. Omg, how does this happen to me? I asked her name. Cindy. And I tried to be polite and let her drift away to dance with others. Nope, she liked me. We danced a bunch more. She liked pretty suggestive dancing too, so we were grinding a bit, touching a bit. I was being all self-conscious about what I might feel like to her. I’m a guy dancing with a girl in a lesbian club. Lump in pants? Nope, not there, even with the grinding. Sorry, just doesn’t happen with me on the dance floor at age 46. But my hands and fingers though, surely were unmistakably masculine. Testosterone and dancing had to have my muscles feeling very firm. I was trying to have a soft touch, but not sure how well I was doing at it. I was holding her hips, her waist, her hands, touching her collar bone. I’m really afraid my touch felt like a guy’s touch.

While dancing, I also spotted Lisa, TS Lisa that I first met at Laura’s party. We exchanged waves and smiles but that was all. I was a little busy dancing with Cindy, but also Lisa looked like she was looking for dance partners, and I imagined she wasn’t looking for someone like me. Am I too humble? She’s young, pretty, a TS on hormones, and at a lesbian dance club, apparently by herself. I really doubt her first pick of dance partners would be someone like me. I was kind of afraid of approaching her, for a few reasons, I guess. Sure, I didn’t want to interfere with her plans for the evening, but I especially didn’t want to out her, or make her easier to read just by standing next to her. Well, those were my excuses. Truth is, I’ve always been shy to the point of intimidation by young pretty girls. I was when I was young and growing up as a boy, I still was when I was a middle aged man, and I’m afraid I still kind of have that reaction.

Two of the four people that Ashley talked to on the phone showed up. They were a Stephanie from out of town, and FAB Natasha, who had just done Stephanie’s makeover. Stephanie looked a bit familiar but I was assured that was impossible. Natasha looked a bit familiar and I learned I had most likely seen her at First Event. I was shocked the next day to look at the Photobucket pictures of Stephanie from the night before. Her makeup looked absolutely awful in photographs. It looked hideously too light, and full of plain-as-day application streaks. I’m just positive that it didn’t look anything like that in real life. In real life, I thought the makeup looked beautiful, exactly what you would want from a professional makeover. Somehow the camera flash must have been particularly cruel to her. Gosh, if I were Natasha I would have been horrified.

Sonia drinks

Tuesday I was wanting that Cajun shrimp and crawfish salad from Border Cafe. Ate there, had a margarita, then went to Charlie’s for more margaritas. Wednesday was dinner and drinking at Grendal’s Den. Thursday was dinner and drinking at Charlie’s. Three days of being bad with alcohol. I could have a problem…