Starting the work week with a Martini for breakfast

Saturday afternoon I woke up I started the day with a martini at Diva, then was off to my office to spend the night running a telescope in Arizona. Bedtime after work was about 8am the next morning. Sunday I woke up early, a little after noon, and decided to get up anyway and get some stuff done. Breakfast at Diesel with Al, then laundry, then to work. Up all night with the telescope, home, sleep. Monday afternoon finally, I basically had the day off. I dressed as Sonia, picked up dry cleaning, and went to Rudy’s for breakfast—at about 7pm. Had a nice taco salad, a couple of margaritas, then walked down to Diva to waste more of the day. Diva was really just on the way to the grocery store. I’d decided to make pumpkin bread to take to work. One drink at Diva, grocery store, home to make the bread and put it in the oven, back to Diva for another drink, home again to take it out, and back to Diva for one more drink before last call. Home, I turned on the computer and chatted with Jessica for just a minute before inviting myself over. She thought I was crazy, but I knew she would be up for a while. It turned out just the way I wanted. I bought some chocolate chip cookies on the walk over to bring as a little present. I hung out and we talked while she played on the computer. We played, we slept. I got up, changed into boy clothes, chatted with Stacy for a bit, went to work. I went first to the unisex restroom to clean off makeup. I know, sleeping in makeup, but, I think this is only like the second time in three months that I’ve done it. Work today feels a little strange—my body doesn’t want to be awake during the day, and, I confess, I had to close my door for a bit and rest my head on my desk. Most likely, I’ll perk up and be ok for the evening, then crash hard, sleep at night, and be back on a daytime schedule again.

This evening is Halloween, and strangely, I don’t have any plans yet. A number of invitations and possibilities though! The secretary just left for the day, and when the cat’s away…I’m off now to do a little cosmetics shopping.

We’re not in Kansas anymore

I got up yesterday about 4pm, checked messages on the computer, set my away message to “making myself beautiful”, and spent the next two hours in the bathroom washing, shaving, and otherwise pampering myself. I’d decided to wear my Dorothy costume to GNO, but the poor thing needed a few repairs after a long night at Triangles. The blouse, the petticoat, the shoes, all a mess. I dressed as I made repairs, and then somehow I’d run out of time and had to hurry to catch the last bus to Woburn. Great, I thought, once again I’ll have to throw makeup in a bag and put it on at the hotel. I started looking for what I would need and found it all still in the bag I’d taken to Natick on Tuesday. Convenient? Pathetic? Dunno. I tucked it in the basket next to Toto and ran out the door. Walking through downtown from the train stop to the bus stop was almost fun. Lots of people were out on their way to Halloween parties and I got lots of people saying to their friends “hey, there’s Dorothy!” and then smiling and waving at me. Braided hair on the bus, did makeup at the hotel, and I was there.

Wow, GNO was different that night! There were lots of girls there, and lots of them I’d never met. I talked to Wendy for just a few minutes, then started trying to meet at least some of these new faces! One particularly happy moment was getting to repay the compliment that so many of the girls gave me on my first night dressed. I’d come the week before male mode and the great compliment was that girls who met me the week before didn’t recognize me dressed. It was such a thrill for me to get this genuine acknowledgment that I really appeared to be a new person. That was me three months ago. Now this night, I walked up to one of these new faces, a pretty girl in a nice black dress with nicely done makeup and said something like, “Hi, I’m Sonia, I don’t think we’ve met.” She grinned and said, “Actually we have. You met me last week, I’m Robbi.” I think I threw my arms around her, I was so excited for her! Like me three months ago, she was smiling ear to ear all night long. For good reason too, she looked great. I told her so. I hope lots of people did.

I had a particularly thought provoking talk with another girl who I think was at Woburn for the first time, or at least was unfamiliar with our little crowd, because she was baffled and dismayed over how, um, “rough” some of us are. This girl looks good, dresses to blend, and in general is pretty passable. She likes passing and thinks other girls would surely want the same for themselves. Why even bother to do this, she wondered, if you can’t do it well? It’d be easy to dismiss the question by saying the obvious: We do what we do because we like to, and because we can, and GNO is our wonderful opportunity to do it in a safe and comfortable environment. It’d be easy to dismiss her question as judgmental. How true is it then, that anything worth doing is worth doing well? How true is the the stronger statement that if you can’t do something well, that you shouldn’t do it? How well is well enough?

I’ve been thinking lately that I would like to go full time, even before hormones or any other body modifications. I’d look a little strange, I know; but the reactions I’ve gotten from people during my first three months of dressing have been positive enough that I think I’d be happy. Now she has me thinking… Does “a little strange” look positively absurd to everyone but me? Am I delusional? Should I abandon my crazy idea? A girl fully transitioned with the most beautiful…everything…still can’t get pregnant. Want to tell her that because of that, she shouldn’t have bothered? This girl I was talking with asked me point blank if she passed. Awkward situation. I hesitated, and pointed out her hands…and she agreed. Not much can be done about big thick hands. So…what, by her criteria, should she give up on cross dressing? Obviously she thinks the rule shouldn’t be quite that harsh. Obviously, at this point, there is no rule, there can’t be a rule, and it doesn’t even make sense to think about it. A person does whatever they are comfortable doing. I look around and I see an amazingly diverse transgender landscape. And, I love everything I see.

It took a much longer time than usual to get out of Opal and on to another venue. The problem was much drama still churning around a certain incident, gosh, three weeks ago now, I think. If you’re interested in this, please reread the song lyrics I posted in my journal on October 11. Finally out of the hotel around 12:30, we had about an hour at Club Cafe before it closed at 2am. I was a little frustrated with how much trouble I had getting a drink from the bar. I might have just been impatient because I was dying of thirst, but I think the bartender was seriously ignoring me and ignoring our group in general. My imagination? He was busy, that’s true enough. Still, I felt snubbed. Maybe he doesn’t like trannies? Maybe he knows our group hangs out in front of the bar, blocking access by other customers, that we don’t order much, and don’t tip much? Erica saw my frustration and said, “let me get this…” but she had just as much trouble at first as I did. I couldn’t wait any longer and ran off to find the water fountain. Erica protested, trying to hold me at the bar. I ducked away. You know, I felt a little smothered at a couple of points that night.

From Club Cafe, I walked a block down the street to Rise. What an escape that place is! The moment I walked in the door, all worries vanished and the world became a happy place. At Rise, I’m Sonia. The computer knows me as Sonia. Everyone there knows me as Sonia. Straight to the restroom, I changed into dance clothes, then went to the coat check to check my coat, the Dorothy costume, and Toto too. The coat check guy, Sean, smiled and said, “Sonia! I heard you weren’t going to be here tonight.” I said simply that work plans changed, but inside I was tickled pink at the thought that I was in his mind. How does he know me? I know him because there’s just one of him, but he sees hundreds of people at his window. Anyway, it made me smile. I found Deedee right away then. We were happy to see each other. We danced together on and off over the night. When I wasn’t with her I was just off by myself, lost in the music, the beat, the lights, the crowd. So much fun. It was great to be all rested and wide awake. It was great to start to feel a little more comfortable dancing. I know I still basically flail around like an epileptic, but I feel like my body is learning pretty quickly to move more fluidly and rhythmically. It seems like a good start. I like learning, even if I’m a beginner. Deedee was done at 5:30. She drove me home and I slept.

Laser 2

Wednesday I slept hard for just two or three hours, I think, before waking up at roughly the usual time in the morning. I forced myself to stay in bed and try to sleep then, managing only light sleep until noon or so, when I got up and started my day.

The big event of the day was my second laser treatment. It went quickly and smoothly for something that occupied my thoughts all day, both before and after the treatment. I think I’ve talked about this before, but it just feels profound, to be altering my body. I couldn’t help talking about it to people throughout the day. First I talked to people online, then at the end of the day I talked to Sheila.

Sheila had called last night while I was at Diva, needing to talk about her 6 week long distance relationship with a guy in California that was just ending. I took the call outside and we both talked quickly, her bringing me up to date on the story, and me giving her my advice on what to do next. I called her again tonight, and decided I’d better go see her. It was a good call I think. We went for a walk and she had the time she needed to just unload all the little things she’d been thinking, and hear me tell her that the guy’s behavior was pretty typical, and hear me tell her that she had done everything right, giving him every opportunity she could, and taking the high road at every awkward turn. I couldn’t resist jabbering about my laser treatment a little bit, but my visit was mostly for her and so I mostly let the conversation stay around her concerns.

My work schedule has changed for tonight. I was going to have to work but now will have the night off and be free to go to GNO, and maybe even Rise—haven’t decided about that one yet. Still, I’m expecting to work all night Saturday and Sunday so my plan for tonight is the same as last night: stay up as long as possible, then sleep as late as possible, hopefully well into the afternoon.

OH…To Be 25 Again!

Meredith couldn’t meet me for the evening. Jessica called and wanted to do something but I kind of kept putting her off. I ended up just sort of wasting the evening on my own.

I stopped in the nail salon after work to make an appointment for the next day, but Rebecca was free right then so I started the evening with a manicure. I got a beautiful deep mahogany color. I just love my nails painted, and as long as I stay away from colors that scream femininity, I think they look great against men’s clothes as well.

Not having any commitments for the evening, I decided the best way to let my nails harden would be to sit a bar. Went to Diva and drank Hendrick’s and tonics and made sure I did nothing with my hands except delicately lift my glass now and then. I should have been savoring the aroma of the nice gin, but instead kept finding myself holding my hands in front of my face, admiring my manicured nails and deeply inhaling the acetone coming off of the still-soft polish. A rugged looking guy from the end of the bar walked behind me at one point as he was going out for a smoke and said to me in a movie star voice, “elegant nails.” Yes, I was male mode, but o, m, g, he said it as if I were the sultry woman I should have been to match my glistening nails. It was perfect. I said “thank you” through an embarrassed laugh and flashed him what must have been a way too big, ear to ear smile.

The night was still young, my nails had had a chance to harden, and I took a break from drinking then to go home and do a couple of loads of laundry. Now at this point I normally would have dressed as Sonia before going back out, but I had a little problem. I had a laser appointment scheduled for the next day and had to let my beard grow out. You know me, I’m too particular about my looks and couldn’t bear to put makeup over a stubbly face. I went back out still male mode, this time headed to an old haunt of mine, Rudy’s Cafe.

Rudy’s is a Mexican place that has a big wall of tequilas. Last year I’d had a bit of a habit for a while and had actually gone through the whole wall a few times over. I’d stopped going there this summer when I started to feel bad from drinking too much and decided to not only lay off of the drinking for a while, but also go on the whole health kick that didn’t have much room for giant meals of Mexican food. The bartender and I remembered each other. He asked where I’d been and I gave him some vague non-answer. I had chips with guacamole and two tequilas and by then the bar was closed. As I was leaving, I told the bartender that I was Sonia sometimes now, and asked if he thought it would be ok to come sometime as Sonia. Of course the answer was yes. It’s a little strange and interesting that I asked at all.

Home again, my goal was to stay up as late as possible to start shifting my sleep schedule for a weekend of using a telescope all night and sleeping all day. I sat in front of the computer and TV and killed time watching movies until I couldn’t stay awake any more. That was 5:00.

Addendum, December 22: Before I forget, “OH…To Be 25 Again” was the name of the nail poslish color. Doesn’t OPI come up with the craziest names for their colors?

First makeover

The alarm went off Tuesday morning and I woke up rested and happy. Dressed for work, checked that I had everything, gave Jessica a goodbye kiss and was out the door really much earlier that I usually make it when I leave from home. Worked in the morning, started thinking about the rest of the day, and realized that I was unlikely to have time to go home before Natick. My option was to wear to Natick the clothes I had worn to Diva the night before and were in my bag with me at work. Went out at lunch time and bought a few things I would need to clean up, also stopped in Beauty and Main to ask Jessica—Jessica who works there, not Jessica who I spent the night with—how long I could expect to be there in the afternoon for my cosmetics appointment. This was my first ever make over, and I was so excited! More work in the afternoon, dress as Sonia in the unisex restroom in the next wing of the building, and sneak out of work dressed as Sonia for the first time. It was a little bit fun. The makeover went really, really well. I discovered that I had learned pretty well on my own and had been doing everything about right. I’m sure that made it much easer to understand the new techniques Jessica was showing me and help me learn and retain as much as possible. I left with a very new look, even lighter and more natural than what I’d been creating, which in turn was much lighter and more natural than that of most of the GNO or even Natick girls.

That point was driven home that evening at Natick. I proudly showed my makeover to Danielle and she asked slowly, “um, did you know that I’m a makeup artist, and that I have my own line of cosmetics?” Foot in mouth. When will I learn? She was politely complimentary of course, but then was quick to offer her opinion on what she thought would improve my appearance. Step one was bright red lips, step two was much more color on my cheeks, step three would have been heavier eye makeup if we had had some handy. Tiffany was there (Natick Tiffany, not the Tiffany that was with Misha on Froday) and was loving it, pointing out with frustration that she had told me all of this before and that I hadn’t listened. Well…they made me up the way they liked me, but you know? It was the dramatic, night out on the town, look at me I’m sexy, I want you to want me, sort of look. It’s in another universe from what Jessica did for me, and really, what I had been doing for myself. For example, I was just looking at the group photo from GNO Friday and comparing everyone’s makeup. Maxi and Dani have the most natural makeup, almost a little too plain for me, but then, they’d just come from their day in their full time life and hadn’t “dressed up” for the evening. In makeup order in the picture, I’m next with a little more color on my cheeks, then Ashley with a little brighter lipstick, then Misha, Tiffany, and Deedee with their dramatically made up faces. I like where I am. Understated as it was, for me, that was my night out, get attention look!

Getting to Natick was easy and uneventful. From the makeup appointment straight to South Station, dinner there, train, taxi to the hotel. Getting home was messier. Tiffany was nice enough to drive me to the Natick train station (she wanted me to stay the night with her) but not wanting to take chances on missing the train, I’d hurried her along and ended up getting dropped at the station 45 minutes before the train was due. Yes, dressed as girl, alone on a dark and hidden train platform at midnight. Not recommended. Anyway, I caught the train without problems, got to South Station, waited on the platform for the last red line home…until a driver on the train going the opposite direction stuck his head out the window and said that there were no more trains. Fuck. There was one other guy hoping to catch that train. We talked, found out we were headed the same way and walked home together. Yes, an hour and a half walk, but weather was ok, I had sneakers, and we had each other to walk with for a little bit of security, or confidence anyway. I’m afraid the poor guy would have been lost without me. He didn’t seem to know his way home, and while he was a guy…ah…he was smaller and more afraid of the dark than me. And his voice was higher than mine too, dang it! The walk was nice. We had a good time talking and it made the time pass quickly. You know though, neither of us said a word or acknowledged in any way that I was cross dressed. I hardly gave a thought to it, short of my constant struggle to keep my pitch up and not sound so masculine. Of course the chance I passed for him is virtually zero, but it was nice that he never indicated otherwise in any way. Home, undressed, cleaned and moisturized face, in bed by 3:00.

Tonight I’m hoping to find Meredith and go out with her. Waiting to hear from her…

I don’t like to see you like that!

Sunday I had plans to do laundry during the day and do L-Word night at Diva but was too tired to do either. I took a long nap in the afternoon, got up and did nothing for a while in the evening, and went to bed early. No, I wasn’t sick or anything, I’d just had that much fun Friday and Saturday.

Monday was work as usual. I’d planned to go after work to look for a new blouse to wear to Natick, but was still there working a little bit late when Jessica called. I decided it was too late to go shopping and that I’d just go see Jessica. (Yes, knowing full well that going to see Jessica always turns into an all night thing.) We went to Uno Pizza for dinner. I’d gone straight to Jessica’s from work and so was still drab. When we walked in to the bar, the bartender saw me and complained loudly like, “Oh! What’s this?! I don’t like to see you like that!!” I laughed and addressed others seated at the bar, “does he greet everyone like this? Is it just me?” After dinner and a couple of beers there, I wanted to hop to Diva. On the way, Jessica agreed to let me go home and change. Um, not just change, but Jessica wanted me to pack boy clothes so I could spend the night. I packed clothes, makeup remover, sneakers. An hour later then, we were at Diva, I was Sonia, and was feeling much happier. From Diva we went to Jessica’s to sleep. This night I was happy to be a little more entertaining for her. In fact, I think she was ready to sleep first.

Triangles Girl

I’m a Triangles girl now! Triangles was Saturday (and well into Sunday!) The night before, I’d worked on my costume a bit before going to bed and got to bed about 4am. Woke up at 10, forced myself to sleep lightly until noon then so that I’d be as rested as possible for Triangles. Good thing I did! Plans were for Wendy to pick me up at 2pm. That stretched to 3pm, but then we were underway. The ride down was nice. Wendy drove and I sat and sewed the last bits of my costume. Got to the hotel, Wendy relaxed in front of the TV while I took my time changing from my day clothes to my costume. The scene at Triangles was just amazing for me. I’d never seen so many t-girls. I thought there must have been close to a hundred. I heard one other person estimate 80. Some of the girls were just absolutely gorgeous. Fantastic costumes. (I was the only Dorothy. Yeah!) Everyone having so much fun. I found Mandy, who was out dressed for the first time. How crazy would that be for a first time out experience? At the other end of the landscape, I met Patty, who was three months SRS post op and so just about one month feeling recovered. Finally complete, and in a sense, one month old. You know she has the experience and wisdom of the complete journey, and yet you could almost see on her face the wide-eyed wonder of being a new person. She looked so content! In between, I met so many others, and had so much fun meeting new people, coming back to people I knew, going to meet more new people.

My pash at the party was Sharon, whom I first met at Friends Landing. We were constantly finding each other all night night long and giving each other a quick squeeze, caress, or kiss, before moving on to mingle and socialize with others. When the bar closed at 2:00 and the party moved back to the hotel, Sharon, Wendy, and I made sure we ended up together. Mm…it was good, really good.

Girls Night Out

I turned on my phone just at the end of the day and there was a message from Erica waiting for me, asking if I still wanted a ride to Woburn GNO. Only then did I remember she’d offered to give me a ride when I saw her on Tuesday. I called her back and agreed pretty quickly. I got dressed but didn’t have time for makeup before she arrived. I invited her in while I packed makeup so I could do it at the hotel, then we had a quick little makeout session before hitting the road. I made her sit facing me because I didn’t want to mess up my outfit. So we started with little kisses on the lips, but before long I had climbed over into her lap. Now, like most girls, I suppose, I was afraid of crushing her, so I was supporting a little of my weight with one arm and a little of my weight by resting my feet on the chair I had just climbed out of. Still, I was able to put my other arm around her and I had my legs pulled up close so it was really very much like I was completely curled up in her lap. Omg, I bet I haven’t done that since I was a little boy. Yes, I’m quite sure I’ve never done that romantically or sexually. I felt like such a girl! And I loved the feeling so much!!! Is this crazy or what? I’m…a middle aged man, and here I’m…what, pretending to be, imagining that I am, or acting like, a young girl? Now, Erica wasn’t dressed; she was male-mode, and had a bit of a scruffy face (which hadn’t struck me as unusual yet) so when I say “she” I’m just saying that because she’s Erica. In fact, I was enjoying so much being a girl with my arms wrapped around a man, sitting in his lap and kissing him. Nnn, it’s so arousing, just typing this up. I really don’t know what it all means. Objectively it just seems so crazy. Wouldn’t most of the population say I’m clinically insane? Is there some DSM number for me?

And separately, even if there is, can I keep it?

I also think I’m bad. See, Erica seems to have a crush on me. In the car a little later, I found out or finally realized that the reason for the scruffy face was that she wasn’t coming to GNO, she was only giving me a ride there and dropping me off as a favor to me. I have to say, that felt a bit awkward. It’s a fair drive from her place to mine, and a fair drive from my place to GNO, so it’s not like this was just on her way to somewhere or other. She was going to all this trouble just for a chance to see me for a little bit and not even be out anywhere together. Um, that’s a pretty serious crush. Now, I’ve told her from the start that I’m not looking for romantic attachment and that I really want to remain unattached for now and I think I’ve been consistent with that message on a verbal and rational level and she says she understands and is ok with all that. But when I let her go out of her way to do inappropriate favors, then reward her by curling up in her lap…I’m bad. I’m taking advantage of her for my own selfish pleasure.

At the hotel then, Deedee, Maxi, and Dani were there when I arrived. Dani I recognized from somewhere, but I know I don’t really know her yet. She seemed to be there with Maxi. I never made time to talk to her. I could have at least said hi, hm? Shortly after I sat down with them, a guy asked if he could join us. He introduced himself with a female name of Bobbi, and explained that he had a long time interest in dressing but was just starting to act on it. He was a little shy, but enjoyed talking with us, I think. He manned the camera for our group photo at the end of the night. Actually I think he should have been in it for being there and participating. We were worried that it would just be the four of us for the night, but after a bit, Misha, Tiffany, and Staci showed up. I talked to them, but just briefly really. Misha, I think I recognized from recent posts on Friends of Triangles. Tiffany was obviously with Misha, and got a bear for coming to GNO for the first time, but it clearly wasn’t her first time out as she and Misha both looked great, and were very well put together, made up, and poised. Staci, I think was at GNO for the first time as well, but I don’t think she got a bear. Not sure what was going on there. Also I think I remember her from somewhere. Did we chat online? I just don’t remember. I liked her look and wish I would have made more time for her. Corduroy skirt, vertical stripe blouse, if I remember. A very natural “blend” look.

Finally then, was Tami. Tami was out for the first time, and what fun she was! So nervous, but so excited and happy! I talked with her a lot and tried to help her relax and have fun. We sat at the bar and she had a glass of wine. When Ashley wanted to pick a bar to go to next, Tami wanted a place that was dark, very dark. The Opal had way too much light for her. We ended up at Club Cafe and she had a blast. She’s since posted the nicest thank-you message I’ve ever seen to the GNO mailing list. Ashley must have had tears of pride in her eyes.