Dish, girl

I walked into to Diva lounge last night, all dressed, after my plans to go to Natick failed. Randi, the bar manager, greeted me at the door and commented on my skirt. Now the skirt was a brown, inexpensive peasant skirt, while I was wearing a very nice top, interesting shoes, a rather showy pendant necklace, a new wig, and a very stylish watch. It reminds me of the time at a recent GNO when someone complimented an inexpensive bracelet that Ashley was wearing. Ashley’s response was to happily tell where she got it and how much it cost. It was a perfect girl answer. It’s like what I wished I would have said when the Brazilian girls at the restaurant were commenting on my purple nail polish. I was in guy mode and just made embarrassed excuses about forgetting to take it off. En femme, would I have thought to spill out with “Oh, it’s NYC, Purple Pizazz Frost…” and tell how many coats I put on and thank them for noticing and say I was proud of it because I’m only two months old and I’ve painted like a 12 yo so far but I thought this looked like the work of at least a 13 yo, all the while checking out their nails and picking the most appropriate comment to make (or not) about the appearance of their nails? I dunno. That should be my goal though. That should come without thinking. It’s also like the scene in “She’s the Man” where Viola, as Sebastian, is talking to Olivia in the school hallway and blurts out, “cute shoes!” without thinking. Olivia is delighted and responds with, “I got them at Anthropologie…” and the two of them lapse into girl talk for a moment before Viola catches herself and steps back into her Sebastian role.

See, Ashley’s answer was perfect not just because it was girl talk, but because she was sharing potentially helpful information to the person she was talking to, and she wasn’t rejecting the compliment in any way. You know, never mind that it was a $2 bracelet from Claire’s while Ashley was wearing fabulous shoes and in fact was fabulous in every way and almost anything about her would have been more worthy of a compliment than the bracelet. Never mind that, it was still true that the bracelet was perfect for the outfit and for the occasion. The compliment was a fine one, even if other potential compliments might have been better.

So what did I say when Randi said, “Oh I have that exact skirt! It’s a really nice skirt!” Knowing that I paid $4 for it, I said, “no it’s not.” She tried again, “But it’s fun because it’s swishy; it swishes back and forth when you walk.” Still denigrating myself, I answered something like, “yeah, I need to practice that,” when in fact my walk is probably just fine. So that, my dear, is why I don’t pass. It’s not for the lack of swishy walk, it’s the for the lack of dishy talk. How much great conversation could I have made out of a compliment the moment I walked through the door?

“Oh I have that exact skirt” “Do we have style or what?” “Great minds think alike!”

“Oh I have that exact skirt” “Oh no, now we have to call each other on the phone whenever we want to wear it to make sure we don’t wear it on the same day!”

“Oh I have that exact skirt” “Omg, with the decorations like this?” and lifting my top a little to show the embroidery and beads around the waist.

“Oh I have that exact skirt” “Really!? Where do you wear it? I bet not to a swank lounge like this!”

“It’s a really nice skirt” “Isn’t it? I love this peasant style. So casual, so comfortable, so easy.”

“It’s a really nice skirt” “And it’s so much fun to walk in! It’s a swishy skirt.”

“It’s a really nice skirt” “And now that summer is over, they’re on clearance everywhere! I paid $4 for it at a sidewalk sale somewhere along Mass Ave.”

“It’s fun because it’s swishy” “Omg, these skirts are so much fun! You wouldn’t believe how many skirts like this I’ve bought. I swear, I’ve gone crazy!”

“It’s fun because it’s swishy” “That’s exactly why we t-girls love our skirts so much. We have to catch up on all that fun!”

*sigh* I need so much work!

TS, thinking of hormones

Friday, September 22, the event that I documented was Maxi inviting me to the TSonHormones mailing list. It’s kind of a big thing for me because the people invited and approved for this list are generally transsexuals, as opposed to cross dressers. Maxi apparently thought I was acting enough like a TS that I should be there. I feel a little strange because hormones aren’t an immediate priority for me, but…I think Maxi made a good call. I’m happy to be on the list and fascinated by everything I read there.

Four-eyed Monsters

Thursday, September 21, I kind of spontaneously decided to see the movie that was playing at the discount house that’s right there in Davis Square where I live. It was an independent film called “Four-eyed Monsters.” The fun joke of the title is that it has nothing to do with eyeglasses, they explain early in the movie that a four-eyed monster is a couple. The movie is about a two artistic types, basically loners, that fall into a kind of strange relationship. It was entertaining, not great, but they were selling t-shirts after the movie and the design was nice. I bought a ladies large. Sleeveless, cute. Walked in Diva after the movie and had some drinks. This night was the first time I heard of the plans to have L-Word lesbian nights on Sundays. At one point Roxanna saw the shirt over my knee and said, “what’s this?” and inspected it. “Can I wear this on lesbian night,” I asked her? “Oh yes, definitely,” she said with a huge smile. I must have had more than one that night because I remember coming home drunk and IM’ing Jessica and inviting her to come to lesbian night with me. I had misunderstood and thought it would start the next Sunday. She of course agreed and we did go to Diva that Sunday, September 24. We had dinner at the restaurant first, then had drinks at the bar. No L-Word though, that wouldn’t start for three more weeks….

Laser

I did it. I just got my first laser hair removal treatment for my face. It hurts! It’s not so bad. Really I’m in a little bit of a daze just thinking about it. I try to maintain a little bit of deniability, telling myself that I’ve never liked facial hair, never wanted it, never worn it, and said it the past that if there were an easy way to remove it permanently that I would do it–independently of all of my new transgender thoughts. The truth though, is that I’m doing this now for the cross dressing–so my face won’t show that shadow that registers in the subconscious of everyone that looks at my face and instantly tells them that I am male. I just modified my body for the purpose of looking feminine. Maybe by some very liberal defintion…I’m a little bit transexual now?

[Following notes added October 18, 2006:]

Wednesday, September 20, was my first laser treatment. Yes it hurt. The technician said I would have to go home and put ice on it for some time but the weather was cool that day and the cool air felt good on my face after I left. Instead of walking straight home, I went to the drug store first to get the antibiotic ointment she said I should use. Home then, I did put ice on it, but after just an hour or so, my skin felt fine. Pain was gone, not much redness, no swelling. It went really really well, I thought.

Wednesday evening I needed to make cookies to take to work but was having trouble getting motivated to do it and it was getting later and later. Finally I decided to dress as Sonia. That was all the motivation I needed. It put me in a happy mood, I put on an apron and the cookies were done in no time.

Guy with makeup

Tuesday, September 19, I had a dermatologist appointment, went to Natick, and stayed at the hotel there with Tiffany. The dermatologist appointment went well. She changed my medication, and otherwise said I was fine. Natick was a bit of an ordeal. It was raining, so me not planning ahead decided I’d ask Wendy for a ride. Only after I’d emailed her did I remember that I’d also promised Tiffany that I’d spend the night with her. It would be a bit rude to bum a ride off of Wendy then sleep with Tiffany! I was spared that awkward situation though, when Wendy never got back to me and my only choice was taking the commuter rail. Now, while I’d done the crazy thing of dressing in South Station once before, I did something even crazier this week. I put on foundation here at home, then went to South Station male mode, but with my face half done like that. I figured it would be ok because I hadn’t done the very girly stuff like eyeshadow and lipstick, and that I could pass ok as a guy. I was really surprised at the number of long looks I got though! Makeup must do more than I realize. Once on the train, I did the crazier thing of dressing in the tiny little restroom on the train. Get up from my seat as a man, walk to the restroom, jeans off, skirt on, walk back to the same seat as a woman. Then I did the last few makeup steps and I was done. Just one little problem once I got off of the train: I had to walk 30 minutes in the rain. Got to the hotel rather wet, mostly from sweat, my new silk blouse looking not new anymore. People loved the blouse anyway, conversation was nice, I got a businesses card from one of they guys at the bar. The night with Tiffany was good except that I broke one of the booty call rules: Don’t leave anything behind. It the morning it had stopped raining, so I had no reminder to grab my raincoat off of the hanger. Tiffany had dropped me at the train station before I realized I was missing it.

Clubbing in style

Running a few days behind here…

Friday was another great night out, starting with Woburn GNO. As usual, it took me far longer to get ready than I’d planned on. I ended up taking a cab again. The first few minutes I was at the hotel, I was very nervous for some reason. I think I was shaking even. Here lately I’d been claiming that I was now used to going out dressed, and that I always felt relaxed and comfortable, and then there I was nervous like it was my first time out or something. Anyway, I calmed down eventually and had a nice time talking with friends and meeting some new people.

The best part of the evening was after GNO though. Rather than go with the GNO group as usual, I had plans to go to Avalon with Deedee. We made a good pair and I think we had a much better time together than either of us would have separately. Deedee was a little concerned about the street scene outside the club and so felt much better with me there, and of course once in the club, it was nice to have someone to hang with, and also be able to talk with people and say, “oh, I’m here with someone…” Best of all was arriving at the club and getting in. There was a line from the velvet ropes all the way down the block and around the corner, and a second line going a good bit of the way down the block in the opposite direction. The guy at the ropes was explaining that the “short” line was for people on the guest list. (The guest list line wasn’t moving at all, so I presume the other line was for people who wanted to stand on the street all night and never get in.) We walked up and Deedee said, “I should be on the guest list…” “This line…” the guy started to say. “I was talking to (so and so) on the phone today…” “Oh!” the guy said, suddenly listening closely. “…and I’m here to cover the story for the Boston Phoenix,” Deedee continued. The guy immediately unlatched the rope and held it open for us. We walked in like we were Paris and Nicole. I LOVED it.

Appearances matter!

Monday, September 18, after work I was still in the mood to go out as Sonia, so I dressed an went to watch the show at Jacque’s. Just experimenting still, I wore my leather pants, 5” heels, and a black wrap that I wore in an asymmetric fashion, with one arm sleeved and the other arm and shoulder bare. The attention I got was a world of difference from when I’d gone dressed conservatively! The prostitutes stared at me, wondering if I was there to take their business, and the men in fact, did hit on me. Not as much, probably, as if I’d given them a better chance. I ended up sitting in the back corner all night because I ran into Jessica’s roommate Kate there. Kate is shy and had already claimed the table in the back corner and didn’t want to move from it. I didn’t mind so much because I was much happier to have Kate to talk to than to be there alone. I hope she didn’t mind me invading her evening. I don’t think so though, as we had a good time talking. It was really the first time we’d spent much time together.

TG in the burbs

Sunday September 17, I got cleaned up, dressed in more conservative clothes, and set out to find the Walmart in Quincy. Gabriella had told me that Walmart had cheap DVD players and the one in Quincy looked easy to get to by public transportation. Well, the DVD players there did look cheap, but weren’t nearly as inexpensive as she told me they would be. I didn’t buy one. The day was a learning experience though, for how less well accepted I was in a suburban setting like Walmart than what I was used to around Cambridge, Somerville, and downtown Boston. There were no actual bad experiences, just more stares than usual. I don’t remember now what I wore that day (for the paragraph above, I had to look at pictures to describe my outfit from Friends) but I doubt I looked any worse than usual. I think it was all the environment.