7 hours, no makeup :(

Chronological order: Wore fun new panties, new girl pants, and a size small Polo brand polo shirt to work. It felt so good! Of course no one noticed all day long, but whatever, I was happy. I left work at three to see the therapist. Told her how things were going with the medication, how I’d spoke to Nayla, about Rob, about Jessica, about how I wanted to try cross dressing, about losing weight, and plans to cut out caffeine. She liked everything except the weight and the caffeine. She thought I should stop trying to lose weight and not go cold turkey with the caffeine. Well, I’m sure not done losing weight, and…the caffeine, well, I don’t know. Anyway,

After the session, I stopped at the drug store next door and bought a night guard like the dentist wanted me to use. I’m really not sure I need it. I think all the wear on my teeth that he sees is from chewing up plastic bottle caps and stuff. Went and got my hair cut next. It really wasn’t that long, but I think I can’t let it get long at all with the earrings now. It would look too incongruous. After that it was 4:50. I’d planned to meet Jessica at 5:30. We were going to go shopping for makeup, then do a makeup session and try on Stacy’s black wig. I called ahead, then showed up moments later. I though we might get an early start. I should know by now though, that it was to be yet another frustrating night of lack of planning.

The new plan was to go shopping in Central Square with Stacy first. Problem one, I would need my bike. Problem two, Jessica wasn’t ready yet. I volunteered to walk home and get my bike. Did that, called Jessica, she still wasn’t dressed, but I understood that Stacy had left without her. I rode over, Jessica still wasn’t dressed. After a long time, Jessica was dressed, we were at the front of the house on our bikes, when just at that moment, Stacy was back from shopping. She had ridden to Central Square, shopped at three different places, including the thrift store where Jessica said she would take a long time, and ridden home, all in the time it took Jessica to get dressed.

Next in the new plan was riding to the Brookline Public Library. We did that. It was dark by the time we left the library. Rode home, we were all hungry by then. It was dinner time. Stacy made “big salads.” We ate. It was 10:00. We had dessert and watched one of the DVDs from the library. It was 11:00. I left at 11:30. Got home a little before midnight. No makeup, no wig.

*sigh* It’s ok. I’ve been studying face shapes and wigs and I think I have some idea of what kinds of things I might like now. It’s time to go shopping. Hmm…wig, makeup, dress, shoes…I wonder if I could do it by Friday…. Mmm. I’d have Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday evenings to shop. Should I buy a wig in one day? Probably not, hm. But let’s say I did, then I could buy makeup the same night, at a 24 hour CVS if I had to, then three days to practice with makeup, and have Wednesday and Thursday for the shoes and dress. Two chances for each. It’s really crazy, but possible….

Oh, a little more about clothes. Jessica and Stacy have a third roommate. When she came in (en femme) she was wearing jeans, so I was studying them. They had nice embroidery, but the fabric wasn’t so nice and the fit seemed terrible. I decided after a moment that the real problem might not be the fit, but that they just needed to be pulled up. So…here’s what to watch for! GPs are made to fit with no bagginess in the crotch. That’s not what us guys are accustomed to! So I think the natural tendency is to let them slide down for a more familiar feel in the crotch. This is BAD! They look awful like that. Lesson learned: do whatever is convenient with the package, but no matter what, keep the jeans up high and snug against whatever is there!

Food today, all veggies:
Breakfast: peach
Lunch: Avocado salad
Snack: peach
Dinner: Big salad

Weight: 174

Girl Pants!

What makes a girl feel better than shopping? I had the best time today! I needed clothes so bad because a) all my clothes are threadbare crap, b) none of them fit, and c) I have next to nothing anyway. I started with a wallet full of cash, went to downtown crossing, and just shopped until the money was gone. It was exhilarating! I started by buying a pair of panties so I could try on girl pants. God must have been watching over me because the very first pair of pants I picked up was perfect. I looove the fit. They look great on me. And yes, my plan is to wear these to work. I’m not sure I’d get away with wearing all girl clothes though, so I went in search of guy shirts. It was harder than I thought because I seem to have shrunk from needing XL shirts to S!!!!!!!! Ok, so maybe M would be a more conservative fit for me, but the smalls fit and I love the look of close fitting clothes. (Sorry, all you youngsters who are grossed out.) It was hard because there just aren’t many smalls on the rack! I’d found just one that was decent, when I finally hit the mother lode, and they happened to be on a clearance rack. Thank you god! I bought three more shirts that were just right there next to each other. Other small purchases were more girl clothes. I got a simple white shirt that’ll be good for wearing under stuff, and then went back and got more panties!

Other events today were a bike ride before shopping, trying out the face powder, laundry, going out with Al for a nice salad, and voice exercises. I sweat like a pig on the bike ride. The powder worked great. Just the trick to tame that moisturizer, and the color wasn’t a problem at all. For the voice exercises, I…had to come out to Al. So far I’d managed to always find a time when no one was home. It just wasn’t going to happen today, and I had my priorities. Don’t know what he thought of it. Whatever.

Food today:
Breakfast: trail mix
Lunch: avocado and cucumber sushi rolls
Dinner: salad and italian soda, yes loaded with sugar, I know.

Weight: 175

Gaydar love

Woke up this morning after four hours of sleep, still drunk, with all the sounds and thoughts of last night still rushing in my head. It was no use, I was up for the day. It was nice to have lots of time to get ready for my date with the artist guy. I got to the MFA early and went ahead and bought a membership. It’ll be good for me! I think I’ll use it and learn. So, Rob, it turns out, is straight! He’s just a friendly and curious guy. This came out early today when he asked about the book he saw me buy this week. I said I was about to dive into crossdressing, and he was really taken aback. Poor guy. We cleared up our respective sexual orientations and went on to have a good time together. We even agreed to meet next Saturday for coffee! Kind of crazy, but, ok.

At the museum, I had a little time on my own since I was early. I walked around the first gallery by the door, which had ancient central american art. Fascinating stuff. The designs on a number of the vases seemed to have a subtle helical motion, and most in the same direction. I decided that maybe it was a right-handed thing, that just like right-handed writing naturally slopes, maybe right-handed artists had naturally left this motion. Upstairs with Rob, we went straight to the room with the Dutch masters to look at the Rembrandts. I saw what Rob was excited about, the presence of the subjects. While he studied them in great detail, I went around the room looking at most of the other paintings. Hard to say much intelligent at this point, I don’t remember the names of the artists. You know, there were portraits and still lifes, one that looked strikingly impressionistic. A huge still life that reminded me of Japanese art, with it’s schematic composition and uniform level of detail. Some with a mix of textures and effects. Whatever. I don’t know the terminology.

Home, I piddled a little, fixed something to eat, and pretty much wasted the afternoon because I was tired and wasted from last night. I eventually plopped on the bed and rested until Al came home about 7:30. I got up, did dishes, and went to CVS to get yet more cosmetics. I mostly wanted to try a powder, because the cleanse/tone/moisturize routine left my face shiny all of last week. I haven’t tried it yet. I hope the color is ok. I got a very light color, afraid to add color to my face, but it could backfire if it’s obviously too light. It says “translucent”, which is what I was looking for. I’m just hoping that that means it mostly just lets natural color though unmodified. Also found orange sticks. At home later, I played with my nails then. These silly orange sticks have one end dipped in an emory-type stuff, supposedly for cleaning the underside of the nails. It sounded like a good idea so I tried it. Real emory, or a real file, might be a good idea, but these are made with the “Trim” label. Here’s the bottom line, everything with the “Trim” label is CRAP. I’m done with it. This emory stuff crumbled off, leaving purple crumbles all over me. A worse experience followed when I got around to painting the nails. I’d gotten some clear polish a while back, really for painting the ends of ropes, to keep them from fraying. I decided to practice with that. Problem turned out to be that while it’s fine stuff for rope, Sally Hansen brand nail polish is also a total CRAP excuse for real nail polish. I may have never painted my own nails, but I’ve done women’s nails, and I know how it’s supposed to flow. This stuff was worthless. I’ll take it off later, and try again when I have some real polish.

Food today:
Breakfast: cereal
Lunch: chicken salad wrap, sugar in tea
Dinner: grilled chicken salad

Weight: 174

I still want to do this

Omg, what fun last night. I finally made it to Gurl’s Night Out, if still male mode at this point. I’d come home from work, gotten all cleaned up and ready, and then, in a repeat of last week, a ferocious thunderstorm exploded outside just at the moment I was ready to walk out the door. With the wind blowing sheets of rain sideways, going outside was out of the question. I decided to wait half an hour and take the later bus. That worked, I got there on time and in relatively good shape. The official start time is 8:00, no one gets there at 8:00. When I arrived, a little before 9:00 there was just one T-girl there. Trina was a visitor from out of town and was worried that no one was going to show up! We chatted and made friends and before long everone else showed up. Tonight, arriving earlier and without Jessica, I had an easier time talking to people and mingling. One girl, Jean, I recognized after a few minutes as a girl I’d seen at Jacque’s on Wednesday when I was there with Jessica. I told her I remembered her and while she was still trying to figure out if I was a dangerous stalker, I described what she was wearing, and she was then happy and flattered. She ended up liking me alot, and flirted with me all night.

I agreed to go dancing with everyone. We piled into cars. I sat in the back of [name lost—Ehrika?]’s car with Trina, who also liked me a lot by then. Trina took off one of her bracelets and gave it to me to wear for the night. She had also previously named her bear after me. New girls are awarded a teddy bear as a gift the first time they come to GNO. Trina named the bear Kylie Bitch, in honor of me and the way I had too easily done a couple of things to prepare for cross dressing — I’d lost lots of weight and I went and got my ears pierced last week. We wound up at Machine, a gay dance club, and danced and drank. Cool place, cool people. I loved it.

Food Friday:
Breakfast: Fruit cup from High Rise
Lunch: 1/2 leftover sandwich from High Rise
Dinner: banana
Later: 2 margaritas

Loose end 3

Also, I’m going to get introspective here. I’ve tried to avoid introspection in general for this journal, thinking it would be more objective and just as interesting to just record stuff as it happens. But, some stuff has been on my mind so I’ll let it out here.

First, while it’s true I’ve been possessed with these ideas of feminization lately, I don’t know for sure that that’s my path. One realization I had a while back is that historically, I’ve let my interactions with people be controlled by how intimidating they seem to me. This hit me, crazy as it sounds, after doing that BBC female brain test. There were a number of pictures of women, and you got to pick which you were most attracted too. It was too obvious to me though, what was going on. They had taken pictures and retouched them to feminize some of them and masculinize others. I had to admit, that I saw the feminine ones as more attractive, so I generally picked those for the purposes of the test. Of course the test result said that part of my brain was male. With more thought though, I think I would naturally be more likely to approach and interact with the women with more masculine faces. Why? Because I would feel somewhat intimidated by the women with the more feminine faces. And why? I guess my subconscious thinks prettier people have better social skills, and me lacking skills, would feel, disadvantaged, maybe. So this is me thinking as a man approaching a woman. If I’m out of that mindset though, like for example, when I hang out with Lynn and any of her girl friends, then prettiness seems to be no longer an issue. If I’m not acting like a guy that would potentially be sexually or romantically interested, then the sense of intimidation is gone.

With men, this sense of intimidation is stronger. I totally don’t relate to men, at least in most heterosexual or non-sexual contexts. On sports, for example, I have next to nothing to say. I’m really at a total loss for how to act or what to do or what to say. I remember a scene on the dock at Community Boating last year, for example, where we had all finished racing and were going to the bar next. The guys were all standing around talking. I wanted to be part of the group, but I didn’t know how. I stood by them, but I might as well have been a dog for all my ability to interact with them. It was awkward. After a few minutes I walked away.

So, can the therapist help me with this? Is the Prozac enough? Do I need assertiveness training? What do I even want? Do I want to be a “normal” guy? Do I want to be something else? Do I want the flexibility to change with the context? Here for a couple of weeks, all I can think about is learning to be a girl. Do I keep running with this? I really went crazy with this idea after reading about autogynophilia on Anne Lawrence’s web site. It made sense and I identified with it. Now though, I’ve cooled off some, and read that her ideas really aren’t that well accepted by other professionals. Maybe I’ll try here, a self evaluation based on the overview at the TS roadmap site. It’s not as simple as the silly online tests, but maybe more illustrative. I’ll go right down the page, “The uses and limitations of transsexual categories.”

Kinsey scale: I’m a 2: Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual. That’s me, that’s my history, never mind that for that last year I’ve acted like a 5.

Benjamin scale: I’ve got to be a 1 right now: Pseudo Transvestite. I’ve never even dressed in public. A few times in my past I’ve dressed in private for personal arousal, and it’s true that I was aroused trying on shoes and stuff at Jessica’s, but…I don’t have much history, it’s never controlled me, and I’m not sure that the fetish aspects of it are what is controlling me now.

Surgical status: Yikes! would I ever want to destroy my penis? I really don’t have any problem with it. Why would I do that? Hmm…I would have to try living as a woman, and then discover that I love it so much that I want to dispense with the nuisance of the “bump.” Seems pretty distant from where I am now anyway.

Autogynephilia: I am aroused by thinking of myself as a woman, I am aroused by dressing as a woman. I seem to fit the definition, whichever that is. When I was younger, the experiments with dressing were very powerful. Now, they seem less so. Is it just an age/hormone thing? But if my desire to be a woman is purely driven by a fetish, and if the fetish is driven by hormones, then why is my mind so busy with these ideas now, even though the arousal is clearly less than it was when I was younger? I think there’s clearly more to this than autogynephilia.

Age at transition/degree of dysphoria: I’m 44. I haven’t transitioned. Hell, I’m hoping to try on a wig for the first time on Tuesday, and that in the privacy of Jessica and Stacy’s place. Dysphoria? Do I have any at all? I’d never considered it, never agonized that I wanted to be a girl and was unhappy as a boy, so the obvious answer is no. But then, what’s with me being intimidated by men, and not knowing how to relate to them or interact with them? Do I just need that assertiveness training, or is there something to this dysphoria thing? If there’s no dysphoria, then why would I ever transition? I probably wouldn’t. If there’s something here…who knows? Maybe I really would be happier as a woman.

Stealth/out/passing: I want to look good. I want to have a female voice, female poise, and…be attractive…somehow. I’ve never wanted my facial hair, or my body hair for that matter. And that’s independent of and predating all thoughts of transitioning. FFS is highly appealing to me. But, stealth? Hmm…I don’t think I need that with friends and coworkers. I’m happy with them knowing that I’m “queer.” And even when it comes to passing, hmm…I just don’t want to be repulsive. Ok, so I know that if I don’t pass, a large number of people will be repulsed no matter what. But that aside, can’t I find style? Can’t I find intrinsic beauty, in the general sense? Attraction between people is generally measured as if sexual attraction were all that matters, but people are also attracted to art, to beauty in nature. Can a T-girl be attractive in this sense, even to people who can’t imagine sexual attraction? I’m way too old to look like the hotties in Jacque’s. But then, Stacy’s older than I am and she wears the shortest miniskirts I’ve ever seen. Now there’s autogynephilia for ya. Me? I don’t think I have it that bad. I would want a much less conspicuous look. I would want to blend in more.

The transition event: Ok, so it’s not in the list, but I’m thinking about it. Anne Lawrences site describes the androgynephiliac, the gay male that is just naturally so effeminate that at some point he finds it simpler to start living as a woman. Wow, now that’s enviable. It’s certainly not my history, but whatever, couldn’t I just go down that path? It seems the typical transitioner has a big turning point where she goes full time, risks loosing her job and friends and family, and suffers all sorts of trauma. Why not do the androgyne way, and just become progessively queer?

Brain sex: Well, I think there’s a lot to this, but I have to agree with Andrea that findings don’t seem very concrete yet. I learned about difference in male and female navigation long ago, and I clearly identify with male navigation skills. I remember the terrain, and I like navigating by distances and directions, and I like knowing which way is North. I’m terrible at navigating by landmarks. But then one shock for me was the section of the BBC test where you had to look at photos of eyes and guess the person’s emotion. They said average for men was 7.1 and average for women was 7.8. I got 9 out of 10 right. For someone who avoids looking people in the eyes, that’s rather surprising. A statistical fluke? A meaningless test anyway? Or do I have some female brain skillz?

7DS scale: Ok, so it’s supposed to be humor, but you know? …I see a little insight in there too. Here it is:

Lust: I’m the autogynephiliac. I get off on it, but yeah, I get off other ways too.
Gluttony: I’m the Teiresian. I want to expand my experience.
Avarice: I’m the outlaw. Money means nothing to me.
Sloth: Oh, this really does feel like a sin. I’m the therapeutic TS. As Chi-chi said to Vida, “You’re only a woman because you couldn’t hack it as a man.”
Wrath: Misanthropic. I hate football.
Envy: Well, as much as it looks like I’m being influenced by Jessica, I think i’m definitely gramoviridious. I do want to visit the nicer washroom, but also I want to wear nicer clothes and have nicer hair and nicer skin and nails and have people open doors for me.
Pride: Oops. I could be stubborn…

Loose end 2

While I’m copying emails, I got a strange email this week, a random email from a Russian girl. She said she found my profile on Orkut and liked it. I think that’s a little strange, because my Orkut profile doesn’t say much of anything except that I’m a guy, I’m bisexual, and I’m 44. It has a small picture of my face. But whatever, I wrote her back and we’ve traded a couple of emails. In my last, I gave her a terse account of my life story. It’s appropriate background for my journal here, so I’ll copy it:

Elena Love,

Your mother was beautiful too! Oh, she looks so young and happy in that picture. I’m sure I can’t imagine how much you miss her. Thanks so much for sending the picture.  My parents are both still alive, but, I haven’t seen my mother in over a year and my father in several years. I also have a sister that is just one year younger than me. I’m awful for not communicating with my family more. It’s one thing that I want to do better. In time, I will. Friends like you are a great inspiration for me to become a better person.I grew up in suburbs of Kansas City, which, perhaps unlike Kazan, is not particularly pretty. When I was 13, my family got a new house on a small lake, and this is where I learned to sail. Those were some of the best years of my life, not just for sailing on the lake, but for swimming, exploring the lake, and playing in the woods. I had a close group of friends and we practically lived outside playing all the time. They were important years for me socially. I’ve always had problems making friends and relating to people, but for some reason I made lots of progress and grew up a lot in those years. I had my first girlfriend when I was 14. I had one other girlfriend when I was 16, but that was about all as a teenager. The years weren’t without anxiety though, and when I was 17, and one week before I would have finished school, I packed some things in my car and left home without telling anyone. Lots of crazy things happened to me then.  I spent that summer in California, and then, not really knowing what to do with my life, joined the Navy. I was trained as a reactor operator and stationed on a submarine, but shortly after that, I was discharged early for homosexuality. I had begun to experiment with men and there was a small scandal and it was easiest for them to discharge me. I was 21 then. I came back to Kansas City and entered college. If my early teen years were my happiest, my college years are the ones I am most proud of; because I worked steadily and got my 4-year degree in math and computer science.  Also during college, I fell in love, got married, and eventually we had our two boys. Things looked ok at first, but really I had lots of problems. I didn’t know myself well enough and wasn’t mature enough. I won’t tell stories of this right now, maybe later. When the marriage was over, I lived alone for a while, then lost my job and lived alone and unemployed for about two years. Really I was very depressed and wasn’t doing anything to solve my problems.  It was during this time that I fell in love with the girl in Brazil. We were madly in love, but eventually the relationship was impossible because of my depression.  For her, I wish I could turn back time. I miss her and I wish I would have done things differently. Still depressed then and still not solving my problems, I began seeing lots of different women and also a few men. I have *many* and *crazy* stories from this period. After losing my job, I started doing astronomy just as a hobby. With so much free time though, I threw myself into it, practically living at the telescope. After about two years, I was invited to come and work in astronomy here in Boston. They offered to let me work for a few months to fill in for someone who was going on vacation. That was four years ago, and I’m still here, so obviously I’ve done well! Now, as I’ve mentioned, the latest chapter in my life started just a month ago with my campaign to improve myself as a person, and ultimately go back and address some of the unresolved problems that I’ve left over my life. You wrote to me at an interesting time!Enough history, I’ll tell what I did last night. I had planned to meet Jessica, the TS girl I mentioned, and we were going to a “munch”, which is really a meeting of people interested in BDSM. The problem was though, that we wasted too much time and were too late to go to the meeting. So instead, we went to a drag bar to watch the show and have drinks. This bar is such a fascinating place. There are the drag performers, who dance and lip-sync, there are prostitutes in drag, and there are drag queens and cross dressers of all sorts that are there not to work but just to have fun. We had so much fun just watching people and talking about them. We each had two drinks, and that was enough that I wasn’t making sense. Then when that bar closed at midnight, we went to another bar and had one more drink each. By then we were totally unsafe to ride our bicycles in the city streets so we took the path along the river and got home safely. We sat and talked for maybe another half hour before kissing goodnight and going our separate ways. I got home at 3:00 am. Whew.

Elena, I should have a camera soon! I went to a store yesterday and looked at some cameras and talked to one of the salesmen. He gave me some advice of what to look for and I did some research on the web today. I’ll let you know. Meanwhile, tell me about your friends if you like. They sound wonderful!

With love,

Kyle

I know, the “love” thing sounds a little intimate for someone I just met via email, but she uses “Love” as her email name, and says she is a romantic person, and…I do have a little romance in me somewhere, I think, so I ran with it. I really don’t know what to think of this person. Do I take her at face value? Lonely and searching for her prince? Is this a scam artist ultimately looking for my bank account number? Is this a Russian spy? An American spy? No idea, but emails seem harmless enough, at the moment anyway.

Loose end 1

It’s Friday. I’m wasting time at work so here are several things I’ve been meaning to write about. First, the business idea mentioned a few days ago. I explained it to Lynn, so I’ll just paste the email here:

Lynn,

I hope you’re reading this from your office! Tell me how things are going and if you’re swamped with work or if you haven’t even had a chance to think about it yet with everyone bothering you with silly emails like this one.Speaking of silly, I was thinking of creating a line of women’s clothing. I haven’t looked that hard yet, but at first glance there don’t seem to be any places selling women’s clothing for male bodies. There are plenty of “tall” and “big” shops, but you know, men are just shaped differently. It seems that clothes could be tailored to fit men, to compensate for differences, minimize the masculine shape, and give a little extra help in looking feminine. Make sense? If this has never been done, it seems the whole process would start with a designer, then, you know, step 2: ???, and step 3: profit!!!  Oh, I can’t wait to be rich.

Kyle

I don’t think she took me seriously! Her answer:

You’re really funny. But I’m not sure you would have a very large market.

I am back to work, ramping back up slowly. Almost all better.

But yes, extremely busy. So I will be brief right now. Let’s catch up later.Luvs,
Lynn

Hmph. Well, It’ll take more research. Tonight I’m going to try to make to GNO again. We’ll see what the girls think.

An ordinary day

Not too much exciting today. Woke up late after last night, then Al left, to go running probably, so I did voice exercises before going to work. My voice was almost hoarse…I think I strained it yesterday by first doing exercises, then involuntarily tightening my throat again a little later while I was listening to the recording. Anyway, got through them, and yes, my voice seemed a little hoarse for the rest of the day. If it’s still messed up tomorrow, I’ll skip a day. No sense doing any damage.

I wore boxers today, after wearing panties for three days. Bleh. I’m buying women’s underwear from now on. After work, went on a bike ride, the first in several days. It felt good to get exercise, but it wasn’t exactly pleasure. I pushed myself pretty hard, my legs burned, my butt hurt. I was drenched in sweat, wearing my clothes that are falling off me. I’m sure I looked a mess. Home again, took a very long shower, then went out for a salad for dinner.

Lunch: delicious sandwich from Marie’s
Snack: trail mix
Dinner: Caesar salad

Weight: 176