TDOR Photos

I kept my camera in my purse and didn’t take photos.  Also, I doubt I appeared in random photos taken by others because I didn’t speak or do much of anything to draw attention to myself.  I had an huge ugly sore on my lip so I’m sure people weren’t inclined to take photos of me.

For photos of others and of the event as a whole, though, Marilyn Humphries has a touching sequence on Flickr.  I highly recommend.

Yes, the back of my head is visible in one photo taken in the church; and in the photos of the group in the circle, I would have been under one of those red umbrellas.  The umbrellas were for the Sex Workers Outreach Project, but no I haven’t taken up sex work or even joined SWOP.  They just needed an extra person to carry an umbrella.  …and it was fascinating to chat with them.

Transgender Day of Remembrance

It’s heartwarming to see all of the blog posts since Friday titled “Transgender Day of Remembrance.”  I follow blogs with WordPress.com’s “Tag Surfer” feature, which selects blogs based on tags and categories.  One tag/category I follow is “transgender” and today there is post after post tagged transgender and relating thoughts on the Transgender Day of Remembrance, which was Friday, November 20.  Here is my post with this title.

So Thursday, the TGAW activity was a special production of Transcriptions, the gender queer open mic event I attend sometimes.  At Transcriptions last week, Penny had encouraged me not only to attend this one, but to bring a piece to read.  She suggested that since it was the day before TDOR, that maybe something lighter would be nice.  That was apparently all the encouragement I needed.  I read “Born in the Wrong Body” as roughly copied in my previous journal entry.

I wrote the first draft of this over drinks at Charlie’s last week after leaving Transcriptions, came home and tested it on Alyson.  I could see by her reaction that it needed work.  I mulled it over over the week, always thinking I should rewrite it, and practice delivery in front of the video camera, but of course I never did.  Instead I scrawled revisions on top of the original on the train ride downtown last night, arrived at the event at exactly the starting time, and then furiously copied my revision to a clean piece of paper as the first readers took the mic.  I finished copying just before my name was called.  Nothing like doing homework at the last minute.

Before reading, I ad-libbed a bit about the background behind me.  Instead of the usual location in JP, that night’s special Transcriptions was being held in DTX, coincidentally right across the street from Wig World.  The mic was set up in front of the all glass store front, so the audience saw as backdrop for the performers, the huge sign across the street saying “Wig World”, the large neon sign in the window screaming “Wigs”, and, if you looked into the darkened window, rows of wigs displayed on styrofoam heads.  I thought it was hilarious, and couldn’t resist pointing it out to the audience, saying I thought it was fitting, and adding that I had personally bought a couple of my favorite wigs from that store.

One little thing I learned from my reading in front of Alyson was not to overact.  I tried to read at a level of emotion that I felt I could do  authentically.  This nevertheless brought my voice close to cracking a few times.  I think it was the best I could do without practice.  Gosh, I was showered with compliments later.  It was almost embarrassing.

I may have a chance to see my performance some day.  The whole event, including my reading, was filmed for a college project to produce a documentary.  I do hope the project comes together and produces something good.  I expect to be horrified at my presentation, but I want to watch it anyway.  Also as part of the documentary, they interviewed a few of the readers, me included.

That was Thursday.  Friday I met Alyson at her office downtown and we went to TDOR together.  We took the Green Line to the Packard’s Corner stop to meet some friends for dinner.  There were actually ten or so of us that met at the 88 Market..I can’t remember everyone now, as I don’t know these people too well…  There was Calyb, who kind of loosely organized the dinner.  Trish (or Trisha?), Moe, Theodora, Jesse, Mel, Alyson, me…a couple of others, I’m sure.  I had spring rolls on vermicelli and a papaya bubble tea.

The TDOR service was just across the street.  As more and more people filed in, I was impressed at how many more people were attending this night than the TDOR I attended three years ago.  The candle light vigil this year was a fairly long walk–about 3/4 mile–then the reading of names, then the same walk back to the church.  Like three years ago, there were a number of questions from curious people on the street.  I heard of one negative comment; I didn’t hear it personally.  With a much larger group, and with the different setting, it wasn’t quite as somber as three years ago, but was still quite moving.  After the walk back, there was hot cider and *lots* of cookies and snacks back at the church.  We each spent some time mingling and chatting with friends.

Later, home in bed, Alyson and I fell asleep to each other’s sugar twitches.

Born in the Wrong Body

You see, really, I’m pretty, but I was born in the body of an ugly woman.  And I’m sick of hearing I have a mental problem.  My problems are physical.

My complexion, it’s hideous and it’s been hideous all my life.  My face bears acne scars of youth, and blotches of sun damage.

I hate my smile lines, and my jaw line.  I’m “big-boned.”  I have no figure.

Oh, maybe I do have great legs, and it’s true I’ve always had these gorgeous eyelashes.

But I need a face lift!  You see this?  (Lifting chin with hands)  This is a physical condition.  Fixing this will be expensive and it needs to be covered.  It seriously impacts my ability to function in society.  I don’t need acceptance, I need my deformities fixed!

People don’t understand.  They tell me I’m pretty and dismiss my self-deprecation.  Well I call that the voice of beauty privilege!  People can’t possibly understand what it’s like, to go through life in the wrong body.

—————————————-
Read at Transcriptions, November 19, 2009

Double feature

Official TGAW activities yesterday included two movies at different locations, but the organizers had nicely scheduled them so that both could be attended.

The first was “Riot Acts: Flaunting Gender Deviance in Music Performance,” about gender variant musicians, and was really enjoyable.  The producers, who were present at the screening, explained that their original concept was to do a road movie about themselves on concert tour.  They quickly decided to expand their subject to include other gender variant acts that they met and sometimes performed with as they traveled.  It worked!  They mixed performance footage, interview footage, and out-the-car-window road footage into a truly wonderful exploration of gender variant music.

The second was “Maggots and Men“, was a rather challenging story of Russian revolution circa 1920.  The producer, again, who was present, said with a laugh during discussion following the film, that it wasn’t a “serious” documentary, and yet he seemed to have done his research well, and produced a historically authentic movie.  So where’s the queer?  Well, on the surface, the producer is trans and he used many of his transmasculine friends in the cast.  The content of the film then, while not primarily about queerness, shows a number of very queer secondary aspects.  The justification for this can be seen in different ways.  First, there is certainly historical accuracy, but on a deeper level there is the common theme of revolution, both in government and in gender.  Deep stuff.

Alison was home at 6:00 and I explained to her my plans for the evening and that I had to leave right then to get to Harvard Square in time to grab a bite to eat before the first show.  I didn’t think she would want to rush out the door that fast and I was right, she chose to miss the first movie and instead have a leisurely and quiet dinner at home.  We met at the Brattle Theater then, for the second movie, and I was glad to see her.  She asked how the first movie was.  “It was awful!”  I pleaded.  “Everyone there for the movie was–young.  No one was even half my age.  I was scared.  I was afraid they were going to attack me, like… like rats!”  She laughed.  “But you love rats.”  We watched Maggots and Men and stopped in Charlies for a bit before coming home.

Transgender Awareness Week

This is it.  November 20th has been established in recent years as Transgender Day of Remembrance, and this year, the whole week of November 16-20 is Transgender Awareness Week.  There are activities each day this week in Boston.  Last night (Monday the 16th) I saw a screening of “Diagnosing Difference” at MIT and tonight…I drank beer.

The movie was shown in MIT’s “Rainbow Lounge” to which I had never been, so that was interesting for me.  The movie, I have to say, was a bit disappointing.  It certainly held my attention and was enlightening, but I felt it lacked…something.  It held my attention because I was keenly interested in the subject, but I’m not sure it would have held the attention of casually interested people.  I didn’t sense structure and flow to the movie.  And then, specific to the content, I felt it was a bit one-sided.  It presented the experiences and opinions of 15 or so trans people who were all very much opposed to having Gender Identity Disorder listed in the “DSM”, the official catalog of mental disorders.  Absent from the movie, I thought, were opinions in favor of GID staying in the DSM.  Now, I personally don’t think it belongs in the DSM, but I would have liked to see the opposition presented.  Also absent were suggestions on alternatives to the existing system.  Some of this was discussed within our little group following the movie.  Overall, it was a good night.

Tonight, the scheduled TG Awareness Week activities in the Boston area weren’t particularly calling to me, so I made up my own activity.  I went drinking at Silhouette Cocktail Lounge, the last place Rita Hester was seen in public after she was murdered 11 years ago.  It was a pilgrimage, I suppose.  I didn’t go to protest or make any statement.  I didn’t go seeking information of any sort.  I didn’t go of morbid curiosity.  I wasn’t on a séance.  I went just to be there, and do something I do–drink.  I looked up the bar ahead of time.  Yelp reviewers said it was divey.  A major attraction of this bar is cheap beer.  It sounded like the kind of place I was familiar with, a place where I would feel comfortable, and be able to fit in.  And so I went, and I didn’t get murdered.  I met Irene, and Owen, and…(Rob?), and Lizzy, and they all liked me and asked me to come back.  I drank beer, I peed in the lady’s room, I came home.  It was exactly what I expected, and exactly what I wanted.  I do think I’ll go back.  Who knows, at some point in the future, perhaps with enough alcohol in me, I might actually confess why I went there that first night.

A couple of them probably know anyway, but it was cool not to talk to about it.

Roger that

Background for the punch line:  Alyson and I were regular watchers of the ABC Sci-Fi show “Defying Gravity” earlier this year.  The story is a near-future NASA run manned space flight thing and one quirk we found funny, then annoying, then hilarious, was how often the characters would say “roger that” as a way of saying “okay.”

So now Friday:  Dinner was with Alyson’s family at a Chinese restaurant, which was very nice, if a little odd for all the relationships represented at the table.  After dinner, Alyson and I got on the Red Line with the plan of “going out” but without a destination yet.  We tossed around ideas and ended up at Tequila Rain where Guerrilla Queer Bar was staging their monthly invasion.  We drank a little bit, danced a little bit, and explored the giant four-story complex that is Tequila Rain, Jillians, and Lucky Strike.  Scooting closer to home while the trains were still running, we came back to Cambridge and got off at Harvard Square to close Charlie’s.  Home, and with the alcohol munchies, I amazed Alyson by throwing together trail mix from various stuff I found in the kitchen.  We ate and checked emails as I told Alyson a crazy story of a little asteroid scare at work that day.  It involved me emailing various people at NASA, me issuing the report on the asteroid after it was obviously missing us and after there was nothing else to say about it, and finally notifying the person at NASA headquarters of what I had done.  With great dramatic buildup, I said to Alyson, “You won’t believe what his reply was.”  “What?!!” she asked with eyes wide in anticipation.  “Roger that.”  We rolled on floor laughing…into bed.

Lovely Thursday

Breakfast:  oatmeal

Lunch:  salami and provolone sandwich

Afternoon:  lovely lecture on general relativity

Dinner:  clam chowder, salad, tuna sandwich, cookies

Later:  trail mix

Bravery–and the Yankees–rule

Tuesday was:  work, picking up my bike, going by the grocery store because I knew we had little at home, fixing dinner, and watching voting returns on the internet.  Maine lost, Kalamazoo won.

Food yesterday:

Lunch:  left over chili

Dinner:  toasted soybean appetizer, bluefish, rice, salad

Weight Wednesday morning: 164.

Food Wednesday:  Bagel, meatloaf, baked potato, salad, movie popcorn, alcohol.

In the evening we saw the Coen brothers’ latest, “A Serious Man.”  I commented when we left that I didn’t get it.  I understand from reading on the internet that the movie was close to home for them, and that you understand more if you are Jewish.  I think much, much, went over my head, which is why I made that comment.  One thing I noticed though was that religion didn’t do the characters in the movie any good–it didn’t help them figure anything out, it didn’t explain anything for them.  (The Bible didn’t explain anything for us as the audience either, except to provide foreshadowing.)  So after the movie, in the car ride home, it kind of came together for me when Alex said that much out loud–that religion (or god) didn’t help anyone in the movie–and said that he saw that as kind of the point of the whole movie.  Ha!  In that sense, the movie might be seen as in the vein of another movie Alyson and I saw recently, “The Invention of Lying,” Serious Man with this dark view of religion, and Invention with its message, as I paraphrased after seeing it, that religion is the mother of all lies.

(I know I haven’t mentioned Invention in a recent post.  Sorry, I’m trying to add some backdated posts, but I may or may not work in mention of that movie.)

Anyway, Jen and Alex picked us up for the movie tonight.  They were confused about the time and were actually running an hour early so after I pointed that out, we had a drink at Flat Top Johnny’s first.  We met a few of their friends at the theater:  Sean, Matt, and someone else, I forget who.  After the movie, my brain having been teased with alcohol, I went to close Joe Sent Me on my own.  The fearless radical there was not me, but a woman there by herself wearing a Yankees jersey.  Guys commented on that when she left.  I added some comment about bravery, internally being quite amused at how often I’ve been called brave for being transgender…